The True Face of Eragon
by ageofaquariusstudios
Summary: When Eragon finds a "magic rock" in the woods, he thinks it's a lucky discovery that will pay for his dental bills. Instead, it hatches into a dragon and he's forced into an ancient legacy and goes on a retarded adventure. R&R, complete!
1. Prologue: Shade of Peace VERSION 2

The True Face of Eragon

Prologue: Shade of Peace VERSION 2.0

Yeah, here's the story. I told my friend that the old prologue seemed pretty bad to start out with (actually I think it sucks). So he suggested I re-write it. That's how this stuff got here. To those of you who are reading this story for the first time, expect a quality drop after this chapter. (Don't worry, it'll improve. Eventually.) If you're one of my old fans, and you for some reason fell in love with that old piece of ______, then I can send it to you. I might even post it on my profile. Anyways, it gives me the chills to read…

* * *

Riding tall (like in that mini sirloin burger commercial), three elves made their way to a creek. They dismounted. The female of them seemed to be annoyed. Her angular eyes twitched. She could sense the evil. She could sense _them._

One of her companions came up to her. For all the danger they were in, he for some reason held a wide grin on his face. He must have been insane. In fact, he really _was _insane. People had said that he had a special connection with birds since a young age. Unfortunately, he'd kept the mentality of a young age, becoming incredibly irritating. The others _swore _he must have stopped to see every single bird they passed by.

"Aws! Noes ducks. Me is sads."

The woman's eye's stared at him through her long, jet black hair. "Why are you making all your words plural?"

"I's thinks its reallys cools. And cutes! Do's yous thinks I'ms cutes?"

The female looked away. "No, I think you're a repulsive, annoying brat who seems to be obsessed with random animals who hate you. Now go away."

The other elf frowned. "Aws, she's means! I'ms sads." He began to fake cry.

"Weird," a voice said. It was another elf, this time obviously sane. He smiled at the woman. "I can't believe that we have to drag this guy around. Isn't he supposed to help me protect you?"

"Well, they wouldn't let us go alone."

He shrugged. "It's okay. How's the stone?"

The female elf opened her knapsack and took out a brilliant, blue stone. It was the size of a cat (or so the Wikipedia page on the movie says), and gleamed in the sunlight. "Shh, don't let _them_ find us," she warned.

Suddenly a violent cry came from behind. It was the other elf, running around in circles. "WARNING! WARNING!" he cried.

"What is it?" his fellow travelers asked.

"Some people are following us! Evasive maneuvers! Whatsyourname, do the Octosquid Slider! Arya, use the Flipping Stone move! I'll do the Hanglider. GO! GO! GO!"

"You brat, you don't know my name?!" 'Whatsyourname' exclaimed furiously. He caught the bird maniac by the collar.

"Uh, let me guess. Is it Wilson?"

"NO!!!!"

"Okay fine! Is it Jeffery? Yeah, it's Jeffery! It's got to be!"

"You dolt, you need professional help."

The female, who appeared to be dubbed Arya, said, "Guys! Violence isn't gonna help anything!"

The sane male stopped. He dropped his companion. "You're right," he sighed. Then he pointed a finger at Arya. "But I still say we should have used Fed-Ex!"

"Are you serious? There's a billion bad guys looking for this thing! They could rob us! Besides, the Fed-Ex guy where we live is on dope. That's not very good, guys."

"Me's likes dope! It's goods."

"……………"

Some guy walked by. "Dope sucks. Crack is better." Then he stabbed the bird-lover.

"At least THAT problem is solved," Arya commented.

"No, you die too," the crack-man said as he stabbed the remaining male elf. "Come here. I'm gonna get you."

"Geez, you have issues."

"NO!!!! NO!!!! NOKALAKASHIKASAMMM!!!!!" huffing with rage, the man came towards her.

A hippie shade came out of nowhere and said, "Where's McDonalds?"

"AHHHH!!!!! HANNAH MONTANA'S COME TO EAT MAH SOUL! RUN, MAH BOI!!!"

"You know, I'm not really sure that this version of the prologue is really an improvement," the shade sighed. He walked away.

Arya heard a helicopter over her head. A guy in a suit came out of it. "We're the Evil Guys. Come with us for purposes of the plot."

Arya stared. "I don't think so."

"Fine." The man pretended to turn away, and spun around to throw a tranquilizer dart into Arya's neck. She fell to the ground.

And while the guy tried to climb up a rope ladder to the helicopter while holding Arya, two deceased travelers looked down on the earth.

"……………"

"Dang it. There goes that paycheck."

* * *

So this is the Prologue v 2.0. Yeah, it's still pretty bad. But better.

And guys, are you looking for _**THE SECOND SIDE OF ELDEST?!!? **_ (Text in bold, underline and italics to get your attention.) I mean, most of you can't wait for the sequel (or so I think…)! I bet you don't even read author's notes! So here's my rant.

This is probably the most recent chapter, (probably because I might make new chapter versions of others) so don't expect the next few to have this format.


	2. The Magic Rock

Note: I do NOT own Eragon, or whatever happens to be mentioned here.

xxXXxx

Chapter One: The Magic Rock

By salemmichigancambodia09 of Age of Aquarius Studios

xxXXxx

The sun shone that morning, the Spine looked magestic in the early light, and the leaves were falling off the trees early because of a big chemical spill. The few remaining ones were turning black and grey.

The chemical spill has also caused winter to come early in Carvahall, even though it was July. Already the small creeks that fed the Anora River were freezing over, and some animals were migrating south. Eragon knew this. He saw it on the news.

"_Free, credit, report, dot com! I should have seen this coming at me like an--_"

"I hate this song," said Eragon. "Change the channel."

Garrow muttered something as he reached for the remote. He gave it to Eragon, who began to browse.

"F is for friends who--"

"Sombrero muchas asyas espon--"

"A chemical spill is believed to have to--"

"Ooh! At the last second, Magic Johnson makes a three pointer! No the score is 45-42!"

"Ah," Eragon sighed as he relaxed with the NBA Playoffs. He sat back. "This is more like--wait, what?" He rapidly went back to the news channel.

"The spill has caused dramatic weather changes in Carvahall. Winter has come early. Now it seems that you better stock up on supplies. Back to you, Nancy."

The newswoman stood straight and spoke. "Now," she said, "We have the most famous teenager on Earth, Miley Cyrus. An exclusive--"

Eragon turned off the TV. He thought, _Wow, it must stink for the people who live in Carvahall. _Then he remembered, _Wait, _we _live in Carvahall. Oh well. _He looked out the window. It was snowing lightly.

Suddenly Roran burst through the door. He said in a singsong voice, "I was with _Katrina! _We had a walk in the snow!" Then he went on about how beautiful she looked in the "bliss, wintery wonderland" how they built a snowman in the meadow, and how they blew it up on tape and sent it to AFV.

Eragon decided he had had enough of Roran's blabbering and figured he should go hunting. If winter was coming, and he had to stock up on supplies, then he better get ready. He grabbed the bow he had recieved in the mail in exchange for seven box tops (the theme had been Legend of Zelda) and hiked into the forest.

He saw some deer, but at the sight of him, they grew wings and flew away. He trudged on, grumbling about how they had used Action Replays. A few yards later he tripped and chipped his front teeth. Then he picked up what he had tripped on. It was a blue stone, as big as a cat, and had milky white veins, streaked across like lightning. _Cool, _thought Eragon. _A magic rock. Maybe it'll pay for my dental bills._

He took the stone into town and walked into the office of Dr. Sloan, DDS. At the counter, Eragon said, "Doctor, I need a filling." He showed Sloan his chipped teeth. Lifting up the stone for him to see, he asked, "How much will this pay for?"

"Ooh, shiny," said Sloan, with his eyes staring at Eragon's find like it was solid gold. "Err, nothing. I don't know, maybe three crowns."

"Three crowns! That won't even buy enough toothpaste for a week!"

"Take it or leave it, kid," said Sloan.

"Leave it," Eragon snapped back with rage. He stormed out of the building saying, "What a ripoff!"

Just then Brom came by. "Hey, random dude, wanna hear a story?"

"Go away," Eragon said.

"Okay, so there were these people called Riders, and they rode dragons and stuff, and this guy's dragon was killed and he became evil cause he couldn't get another and stuff, and so he got some other Riders and they killed the rest of them, and now he's an evil king," blurted out Brom.

"Facinating," said Eragon with sarcasm. "Now leave me alone."

"Chill," said Brom. "Dude, just--ahh! they're coming! AHHHHH!"

"........."

"Oh sorry. You know, I hallucinate."

"........."

Eragon went home with his magic rock and locked himself in his room. _Maybe I'll sell it on eBay, _he thought as he turned on hie computer.

Unfortunately, he got sidetracked and ended up playing Maplestory instead.

But an hour later, the stone started shaking...

xxXXxx

What will happen next? Will the stone be destroyed? Will Eragon's account get banned? Will the Cardcaptors attack? Find out by reading Chapter Two! (Actually, the plot is predictable.)

Very Predictable.

You'd know it if you read the book at all.


	3. Watch out for the giant puddle!

Note: I do not own Eragon, or any of the stuff I mention here.

xxXXxx

Chapter Two: Watch out for the giant puddle!

By salemmichigancambodia09 of Age of Aquarius Studios

xxXXxx

_CRACK!_

The stone split in several places. Pieces fell away. In its place was—a lizard?

Think of the most adorable reptilian sound you've heard. That's what the thing said.

Eragon froze. He stared. "An iguana?" Then he smiled. "I wanna pet the iguana!" He went over to stroke the creature. Eragon ran his hand over the blue scales, and then pulled it back. He looked at it. A silver blob was burned onto his skin.

"Aw, man," he said. "I have a birthmark! Maybe it's magical, like Harry Potter's scar." Eragon looked at the reptile in front of him. He squinted. It squinted back. "What does that look like?" wondered Eragon. His thoughts went back to a few weeks ago, when he played Pokémon Emerald. "Ooh! It's a Salamance! Salamance, use Dragon Breath!"

The "Pokémon" burped.

"Good job, Salamance!" said Eragon. He clapped. "Wait, Salamance is a final evolution. But it's not a Bagon…" Then he went into some profound thoughts about Pokémon game mechanics. Finally, he concluded it was a mutated Pikachu.

Eragon went down to the kitchen and got some meat for his pet. It ate the meat in two bites. Satisfied, it went to sleep.

Then next few days, the "Pikachu" got really big, too big for Eragon's small room. He hid it outside in a homemade stable.

Every day he gave it food, and every day he it looked less and less like a Pikachu. Eragon didn't know what it was until one fateful day.

He turned on his computer and was about to look up Pikachu care when he decided he left his homework outside. He went downstairs and opened the kitchen door that led to his backyard. Garrow was out and Roran was on an epic quest, so it was safe.

Before the wind could blow, Eragon ran out and grabbed his math papers. Then he heard a voice.

_Eragon._

For sure he was just hearing things, like that old man, wasn't he?

_Eragon._

There was no doubt. The voice was real.

_Eragon!_

"Gah!" He fell back, onto a patch of snow. He looked around. "Who said that?" he wondered.

_Uh, me._

"Who?"

_The "Pikachu."_

"Pikachu! You can talk? Wow, just like in _The Hack!_"

_I'm not a Pikachu, idiot. I'm a dragon. And, there's going to be some major plot development soon. Just hide me in the Spine so no one will see me._

"Oh. Okay, no one can argue with the plot, can they?"

**Actually, no one can argue with me or I'll make their legs turn purple and fall off.**

"Who was that?" Eragon said nervously.

_The author, _said the dragon. _He controls space-time._

**Eragon, and you better get going or I'll make an Eragon X Arya fanfic.**

"Watch out! I know karate!"

**Yeah, but I have universal powers. I know karate too, by the way.**

*pout*

**Oh, just get on with it. **

To make a long story short, the dragon was hidden. Eragon also decided he should name it. He recalled the crazy hallucinating guy. Maybe he could help.

After hours of searching, he found him. Turns out the guy's name was Brom. Eragon sat down in his office.

"So, kid, you wanted to see me—AHH! There's a bogeyman behind you!"

"…"

"Sorry, I was—"

"Yes, I know, hallucinating. Just tell me the names of the Riders' dragons."

"Ah, that's what I want to hear! Okay, so there were Damen, Claekernt, Qwerty, Ghaarnis, Chuck Norris…" and he went on until he finished, "Hilary Clinton, Peter Parker, and Saphira. Okay, get out of my office, watch out for that giant puddle, and pay me ten dollars for my services."

"There is no puddle. And I'm not paying you."

Brom sighed, and then pulled out his automatic machine gun. "Okay, that's how you want to play, huh?"

Eragon quickly pulled a bill out of his pocket and ran home. Then he went to his dragon.

"Hey, I'm gonna name you today. Tell me if you like these names."

_Okay._

"So, can I call you Lantaasre?"

_WTF?_

"How about Glaedr?"

_Nope._

"Hmm…maybe Glotaarb Nibln? Or Malaar?

_Double nope._

"How about John McCain?"

_Hell no! I'm a Democrat._

"Okay, how about—wait, isn't this whole story out of order?"

**Don't blame me, I haven't read **_**Eragon**_** in months.**

"Okay, fair enough. Hmm." Eragon thought about the names Brom had suggested. "Oh, I get it! You're a girl!"

_You know, you're not very smart for your age._

"Ooh! I'll name you KawaiiSakuraBunBun!"

**That's my co-member's name.**

"You talk too much," said/telepathically communicated Eragon and his dragon at the same time.

**Well, **_**sorry.**_

"Where were we? Oh yeah. How about Saphira?"

_That seems good enough, _said the dragon. Then she added, _That's the only decent thing you've said in your lifetime._

"Ouch."

For awhile they stood there, doing nothing. Then Eragon said, "Okay, now we go hunting while my uncle comes home and when we come back, the plot develops!"

_OK._

Eragon got his bow and he and Saphira went deep into the woods.

They found a squirrel, but it pulled out a miniature handgun and shot Eragon in the pinkie finger. He screamed.

_Maybe we should go home, _suggested Saphira.

"O-okay," he replied, trying not to faint.

But when they returned, the house was destroyed. "Holy sh*t," said Eragon. Then he looked around. "Garrow!" He franticly searched the rubble, and dragged out a body. "Wake up!" he said, trying to resurrect his uncle.

_Look, there's a note, _said Saphira.

There, on a piece of lumber, was a sheet of paper crudely nailed to the shattered wood. Eragon ripped it off. He read it.

_Ha ha sukkers!_

_Give us the draggon egg or wheel kill you peeple!_

_The Ra'zac_

Staring at the paper, rage swelled up in Eragon. His heart beat faster and his face turned red. He said, "There's nothing we can do, Saphira."

_Actually, you can go on an epic quest to avenge your uncle. Then the plot will develop nicely, _said Saphira, trying to sound positive.

"Okaaay…"

_Let's just go! I'm bored and stuff._

Suddenly Brom passed by and said, "Hey, kid, do you have a dragon?"

xxXXxx

Well, like I said, I haven't read the book in a long time. So don't blame me for making mistakes.

Dedicated to my friend who read this story on his dad's iTouch!

Oh, yeah. _**FAKE ACTING MODE ON **_Ooh, this story is sooo suspenseful! OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! _**FAKE ACTING MODE OFF**_

Ch. 3 will be up soon!


	4. Goth Magazines

The True Face of Eragon

Chapter Three: Goth Magazines

By salemmichigancambodia09 of Age of Aquarius Studios

xxXXxx

"Uh, no?"

"Yes you do! Admit it!"

Eragon decided that it was completely pointless to deny it with Saphira right besides him. He gave in. "Yes, I do."

"Good. Now I'll follow you on your epic quest and—" Brom froze. "Oh my god! The Grox are attacking!"

"… "

"Oh, sorry. Anyways, I'll follow because you'll make a good story and stuff. Okay, make a saddle to ride your dragon and let's fly away!"

"Uh, what's a Grox?"

_It's an alien from Spore, _said Saphira. _They're cyborgs and are hard to destroy._

"Okaay…" Eragon said. Then he realized his mistake.

"Good! I knew you would understand." The old man beamed. "Now get some leather. We can't fly without a saddle or you'll hit your—" before he could finish the sentence, Eragon dug into the wreckage and found a leather Coach handbag.

_Where did _that _come from? _asked Saphira. _I thought you only lived with males._

_I have no idea, _he replied. Brom took the bag and tore it into strips.

"What are you doing with the poor bag?" Eragon asked when he saw what he was doing.

"Making a saddle," said Brom. He put the strips into strange positions and occasionally glued it in places. The end result of the project was a mass of leather and glue. It was vaguely shaped like a box.

Brom slipped it on Saphira. The "saddle" didn't seem to fit nicely. Saphira stared at the thing she obviously wanted to rip into shreds, then snorted a whiff of smoke.

Even though it was plainly ugly, Brom beamed at his 'masterpiece.' "A fine work of craftsmanship, isn't it?" he said to Eragon. He nodded, but of course he thought it looked stupid.

Brom continued talking. "Okay, kid, hop on the plane." Reluctantly, Eragon climbed on top of the saddle. It felt good, in a way. Brom also climbed on, saying, "Now, dragon, mush!"

Saphira stretched her wings and flew. "Hey, don't I get an in-flight magazine?" complained Eragon. She handed him some Goth magazines.

"What the—" he said as he flipped through them. "_Blackest Outfits of the Year? How to Get the Most Painful Stab? _Why do you only have emo stuff?"

_You left your computer on YouTube, and I saw the video _How to Be Emo. _I followed the directions._

"…"

**Relax. She could have watched **_**How to be Gangster.**_** That would be a disaster.**

"Why do you torment us so?" shouted Eragon to the disembodied voice.

**I don't know.**

"…"

"Well, Teirm is our next destination, and it's only going to take a few days to get there," said Brom. "Oh my god! A flying cheetah!"

"You were just hallucinating," said Eragon.

"Oh."

_Can I land now? I feel tired._

"If you do, that's great." Brom smiled. "Then I can teach Eragon sword fighting."

"Uh oh," said Eragon to himself.

As they descended, Brom jumped off and pointed to where he was standing. "We'll camp out here," he said.

Eragon climbed off Saphira and sat on the ground. She did the same. Brom spoke. "Kid, do you know what Alagaesia means?"

"No."

"Claimed by the Japanese in 1536 and taken over by the Australians in 1786, Alagaesia means, 'Starfish sucking on horse testicles.' A very old name, from a very old language. And I will teach you the Ancient Language."

"Starfish sucking on horse testicles? Sounds like something from a lame attempt at comedy."

**Don't insult me. I told you, I might make a shipping fanfic with you in it.**

"Shut up." As Eragon said these words, his face turned green and his arms turned into telescopes. He screamed.

"This is the weirdest hallucination I've ever had," commented Brom.

A water bottle fell from the sky and hit Eragon on the head. He passed out. Soon, he returned to normal.

**See what happens when you insult me so? Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!**

"…"

"Okay, so I'll teach you the Ancient Language," said Brom. He was glad the whole thing was over.

And so he taught him of words, and other things, too. He taught him sword fighting and using magic. And finally, he taught him the proper way to flush the toilet.

"This is hard stuff," panted Eragon as he flushed a practice dummy toilet. "I can't believe people do this!"

"Actually, only the Riders did this," said Brom. "You just learned their secret toilet flush."

_Speaking of toilets, _said Saphira, _I need to go._

"Just go in a bush," said Eragon and Brom at the same time.

_First of all, that is degrading and nasty, and second, there are no bushes!_

"What about president Bush?" suggested Brom.

"He's not president anymore," said Eragon. "Barack Obama is." And then they got into a big argument about politics, Hilary should have won, no, McCain is better, Michelle's dress was horrible, oh no, here comes a bogeyman, there is no bogeyman, you idiot, etc. Finally, they were all tired and went to sleep. Brom snored louder than Saphira.

This cycle of camping out and training went on for many days. I won't describe every single day for you, but the important part is, they finally got to Teirm.

They stood on the outskirts of the city besides the sea, and no one said anything. Then Eragon broke the silence.

"I thought it looked like LA!"

xxXXxx

Okay, some notes.

I haven't read the book in a while, as you should all know, so don't blame me for mistakes.

Also, sorry for the late update. I was just slacking off, and nothing bad happened to me.

For the poor, deranged soul that looks up salemmichigancambodia09 to find this fanfic, listen up. It is just a name I take because me and my friends share the account called ageofaquariusstudios. (With spaces, it's Age of Aquarius Studios, but our real penname has none.)

Update will come soon!


	5. Die, nonreader!

The True Face of Eragon

Chapter Four: Die, non-reader!

By salemmichigancambodia09 (salemmichi) of Age of Aquarius Studios

xxXXxx

Eragon pouted as he and Brom followed the man down the street. It had been a long hike, hadn't it? Now it had to be made worse by having to walk without rest while carrying bags. _Where are you? _he asked Saphira. No response. He frowned and continued walking.

His mood lightened as they finally got to Jeod's house. Huffing, he dropped his bags on the front porch. "When he said he was going to get a carriage, I thought he meant for us!" Eragon said, out of breath. Brom nodded. Then he thought for a while. "What are you thinking?" asked Eragon.

"I'm thinking that maybe we should just run off in the middle of the night and find a strip club. We can find some hot chicks there." He drooled.

"Uh, _yeah_. That is such an excellent plan!" Eragon replied sarcastically. Then he added to himself, "Perverted old man."

"What?"

"Oh, nothing! I said, 'Hermits mold cans!'" blurted out Eragon.

"Hmm, I thought so. I mean, that's the most logical thing in the world!" And they started to talk about different soda cans they'd seen. Eventually Jeod had to call them inside. They had been talking for nine hours straight.

Eragon had to share a room with Brom, because there were mostly rooms for the various guinea pigs that Jeod often found on the street. The only problem with sharing with Brom was that there was only one bed in the room, and neither traveler wanted to sleep on the floor. It was also a small bed, and so Eragon spent the night cramped, sweaty, and feeling like a homosexual.

In the morning, Brom was gone, and there was a note that said, "I'm out today. Explore and stuff. Don't go to strip club without me." Eragon took a shower, changed clothes, played Brawl, and finally went outside.

He walked down the street to the nearest 7-11. Looking at the assortment of candy bars, donuts, slushy drink machines and illegal drugs, he suddenly remembered he had no money in his wallet with him, and that he should say no to drugs.

Eragon browsed in the next shop, which sold…women's underwear? He realized that he hadn't looked at the sign when he went inside. Peeking out of the window, he saw it read _Victoria's Secret. _About to leave, he turned around but before he could do anything a random woman hit him with her purse. "Ow!" he said.

"Pervert!" said the woman, and she left. Holding his head, Eragon went out of the store.

Once he healed, he tried to contact Saphira. _Talk to me already! Where the hell are you? _he asked.

_All right, all right. I'm right above some idiot sitting on a bench in the middle of a gang war, _she replied.

_Wow, what a dumbass. _Eragon yawned and shifted his position on the bench he was sitting on. Then he ducked to avoid a knife that was thrown at him from the giant gang war that took place in front of him. Looking up, he saw a blue dragon above him. It took a while for him to understand what was going on. Then he screamed and ran to a random shop.

His heart beating, he scrambled inside and closed the door. Then he looked around the shop. There were things like crystal balls, weird looking potions, and a Twilight poster. Fascinated by the objects that decorated the shelves, Eragon almost jumped when a voice said to him, _Hi._

"Who said that?" Eragon said.

_The cat. I'm a werecat and stuff, and because the author is too lazy to type and all that, so just go to that lady over their and ask for her to tell you your fortune._

Eragon looked down. There was a cat. Then he turned his attention to the woman at the counter. She was holding a toad in one hand, and holding a book in the other. Cautiously, he went up to her and said, "Hello?"

"BELLA X EDWARD 4EVAH!" she suddenly screamed. Eragon winced. The woman smiled. "I know what you're going to ask. The toad isn't a toad, it's a frog. And I'm reading Twilight for the forty-ninth time, which is once every day for seven weeks! It gets better every time. Oh, and you met my werecat, Solembum? I wish he was a vampire, like in Twilight, though. You know, one time, I was reading Twilight for the twenty-first time, and—" she paused. "Oh, that's right. You want your fortune told. Okay." She snuck into the back room and pulled out some white cubes with weird symbols carved on them. "Here goes!" she said. "Oh yeah, I have to introduce myself. I'm Angela. Who the hell are you?"

"Um…Eragon?"

"ERAGON!" said Angela, leaping up and putting her arm around him. "Sounds like…sounds like…hmm. Sounds like a character from a fantasy novel written by a homeschooled teenager."

**It is, **said the author.

"A great disembodied voice that watches over us all?" the madwoman's eyes grew wider. "It's the gods of Twilight! Have you answered my prayers to marry Bella and Edward?"

**No. And, I'm not a Twilight god. I wrote this abridged story and put it on a fanfiction website.**

"Ooh, put something about Twilight on there!" said Angela.

**Uh…yeah, right. First of all, I don't read it. Second of all, if I did, I wouldn't have a story. Finally, if I had those two things, if I posted something, it would get buried in the Twilight fanfictions in a few minutes and no one would read it.**

"Why does the world have to be so cruel as to harbor so many non-readers? Why?" she shouted to the sky. Then she looked back at Eragon. "Let's go on, shall we?" She rolled the cubes and studied them greatly. Finally, she said, "Okay, here we go. You'll have many choices, hopefully one of them will to be to read Twilight to at least the fifteenth time like all civilized people."

"I've never read it even once," Eragon told her. Her face broke out into a snarl.

"What?" she bellowed. "You dare ignore the wonder that is Twilight?" Then she calmed down. "Whoa, I got out of control there. Let's continue. Okay, you'll live for a long time. Maybe you're a vampire. This cube over here says you'll see someone die, and this cute little rose says you'll fall in love with someone of 'noble birth'. She will be strong, in not beautiful, and will be a complete Mary Sue. COMPLETE!" When Eragon stared at her, she said, "It could also be a he. Maybe they're a vampire. This last one means you'll be betrayed by a family member."

"My cousin wouldn't do that!" snapped Eragon. But Angela just shook her head. "The bones have never lied."

"Wait, these dice are bones?"

"Chicken bones, actually. I got them from KFC. But still, they've never lied. Okay, we're done. You would have just paid me ten dollars for my services, but because you're a non-reader, pay me twenty."

"Uh, yeah. Not gonna happen."

Angela got really mad this time. "THEN YOU SHALL DIE, NON-READER! CURSE YOUR SOUL FOR DEFYING THE WILL OF TWILIGHT!"

Before she could slaughter him, he pulled out a twenty-dollar bill and ran out of the shop.

"Thank you! Have a nice day!" she called after him.

Of course, it had only been a few minutes after the gang war started, so it was still going strong.

The gangsters wearing the blue bandanas and sunglasses looked at him, and told him to GET OFF THE ROAD OR I'LL BLAST YOUR ****ING $$ OFF! The other side just threw their maces at him.

By the time he got back to Jeod's house, Eragon was bruised and cut all over from walking through the battle. _A good suicide tactic, _he thought.

Saphira landed next to him. _You know, you could have just used the sidewalk._

_Remind me to the next gang war._

_Agreed. _He went inside and found Brom…surrounded by strippers? Eragon tried to communicate with him, but he was too busy putting his mouth…CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSOREDCENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED

Eragon went up to his room. Being the only place that wasn't crazy, He fell on the bed and went to sleep.

_There was a beautiful woman. She was in a jail cell, and had various cuts and bruises. She seemed to call out to him, either telling him to do something disturbing to her, or to rescue her. Eragon chose something disturbing. Her expression turned into one of disgust, and the dream ended._

He woke up with his heart beating heavily. Either he had a crazy dream, or a vision that would change his life. God, there was so much stress. Angela was right. He would have to make many decisions. Then he asked himself a question:

"What time is it?"

xxXXxx

Okay, I know Eragon didn't have the vision in Teirm, but it seemed to fit my story. Also, sorry for the uber-late update! (hey, it rhymes!) It's just that I had a school project. Also, this is my longest chapter so far!

Please, please, PLEASE review! I like to see what you guys think.

Disclaimer: If you are a Twilight fan, don't criticize me for displaying stereotypes.

--salemmichi of Age of Aquarius Studios


	6. Attack of the Minions

The True Face of Eragon

Chapter 5: Attack of the Minions

By salemmichi of Age of Aquarius Studios

xxXXxx

After a few minutes, the strippers left. Brom came up into the room. "You know, I've just learned that the Ra'zac are in Helgrind."

"Where the hell is that?"

"It's near a city called Dras-Leona."

"Oh. Isn't that the place where they rip peoples' limbs off?"

"You got it!" Brom suddenly smiled. "Let's go!"

Road trip! Road trip! Road trip! Annoying music played in the background as Saphira landed in the yard and the two men climbed on. She flew away, and the wind blocked away the sound of the chanting.

_Where was that disembodied music coming from? _Eragon asked Saphira.

_I don't know. Maybe we've stumbled into another dimension. I read a book once, and it was about this fantasy place called "Imericka." Creepy!_

_Wow, that's weird. _Eragon looked at the horizon. _Do you even know where you're going?_

_No? _Saphira stopped flapping her wings. She turned her head around and found they weren't in Dras-Leona or Teirm. In fact, they were falling. Slipping into the lava! We're slipping—okay, I'm good.

As they fell, Eragon shouted, "Fly! Fly! Flap your freaking wings, dragon! Fly!"

Saphira spread her wings at the last second, saving their lives and breaking the laws of physics. "Where are we?" Eragon asked.

"I don't know," said Brom. Looking around, he saw a fortress in the distance. "Look! Civilization!" Eagerly, the group ran to the building.

When they got there, Eragon said, "Aw, it's just a mini golf course. Well, we do need a break. Brom, do you have any money?"

"Only a few precious diamonds and gold bars," he said sadly.

"Well, that'll work." Eragon took a gold bar and went up to the counter. "Excuse me," he said to the woman, "What can we buy with this?"

No response.

"Hello?" Eragon said, waving the bar in front of her face.

_I think she's dead, _said Saphira. _Well, there's only one way to find out. _She went up to the woman and roared in her face. The woman fell over backwards.

"Oh, I get it. She's a mannequin!" Brom said. "That's weird. She looks so real."

The group peered down on her. The woman suddenly screamed and grabbed Eragon's leg. Her eyes glowed green and she bit him on the ankle. Eragon yelped with pain. Brom threw a brick at her head.

The screaming stopped.

"Well, that freaked me out," Eragon muttered.

"We need to be prepared," said Brom, "so we have to wear our spandex suits just in case."

_What is with you and spandex suits? _Saphira asked.

"Because they feel good!" Brom snapped back.

"Uh, guys," said Eragon, "that guy is looking at us." A man was smiling creepily at them from about five feet away. He held up a hand. "Greetings, my friends. My name is Glotaarb Nibln and I'm here to rip your bladders out!"

Our heroes screamed and ran down the halls of the building before slamming into a group of people. "Sorry," whispered Eragon.

"It is okay, my FRIEND," the group said in a perfect monotone. One of them said, "Let us cut your skin off!"

Brom punched one of them in the face. He shrieked and fell backwards. The rest of the minions attacked.

Eragon grabbed a sword and began to behead some of the zombies. Saphira breathed fire and one of them burst into flames. He tripped and the flames caught onto the other minions. They were reduced to ashes in seconds. But still more came. Brom put his arms up and said, "We surrender!"

Eragon elbowed him in the ribs. "No we don't!" But Brom held his arms up anyway.

The minions dragged them off to a giant chamber. Hundreds of them were gathered in the stands. The minion wearing the black robe spoke. "My FRIENDS," he said, "today we are going to sacrifice these people to our god…"

Eragon gulped.

"…Rick Astley."

"WTF?!?" Brom screamed into the air. He pulled an umbrella out of the air and threw it at a gong. It made a loud sound that destroyed a nearby wall. The bricks fell down, revealing a small biplane.

"Quick, get in the plane!" Eragon said. He and Brom scrambled into the seats. Fastening their seat belts, Eragon sent a message to Saphira. _We're going to escape the minions in this plane. Fly to the side of it. _Then he started the engine and the plane took off. Saphira followed.

_Uh, Eragon, there's a guy hanging on to the wing, _she said. Eragon looked over to side and saw a minion with a smile on his face. "Hello, MY FRIEND," he said. Eragon grabbed his sword and climbed out of the cockpit. He swung. The minion ducked, and then punched him in the stomach. Eragon fell backwards and dropped his sword. The minion picked it up and was about to stab Eragon in the stomach when Saphira burnt him to a crisp. Eragon picked up his sword and went back into the cockpit.

"Some cool sword fighting, huh?" Brom said. "It also broke the laws of physics, I think."

"Then we broke the laws of physics for the second time today," Eragon replied. "When are we going to again?"

"AHH! WATCH OUT FOR THE GIANT BIRD! AHH!" Brom screamed. "Oh, wait, I was hallucinating. Sorry."

The plane flew off to Dras-Leona. It landed in the middle of a net.

Murtagh came up and said, "Hey! Charlie! You're in a trap set by the Ra'zac!"

"What?" Eragon asked. But before he could get an answer, the net picked up the plane and flung it at a wall. It cracked open.

"Charlie! Wake up!" Murtagh went up to the wreck. Eragon groaned in pain. "Charlie, you silly sleepy head, wake up!"

"My name's not Charlie! And who the hell are you!?" Eragon shouted.

"Sorry. I'm a Charlie the Unicorn addict. The name's Murtagh," the man said.

"Okay, but help me with Brom," said Eragon. "Brom, get up…Brom! BROM! Wake up!"

_I think he's dead, _said Saphira.

"No, he can't be!" Eragon yelled at the sky. "IT CAN'T BE!"

_Yes it can._

"No it can't."

_Yes it can._

"NO IT CAN'T!"

"Who are you talking to?" asked Murtagh.

"I have a magical dragon that flies around and helps me fight evil," Eragon replied.

"Okaay…"

"Anyway, help me bury Brom because he's dead and everything. Wanna go out to lunch?"

To make a long story short, they got some burgers and buried Brom out of town. Murtagh made a sign that said:

Here lies Brom (at first, he put Charlie and crossed it out)

A good man (unicorn was also crossed out and replaced)

**Oh, I forgot to mention, Eragon, that Brom was a rider whose dragon was also named Saphira.**

"Really?"

**Maybe, maybe not. You never know.**

*pout*

"Hey, Charlie, let's just camp out for the night. I'm tired," said Murtagh, yawning.

"Okay, I'm tired too. But I had a weird dream," Eragon said.

"Really?"

"Yeah. There's a beautiful woman in a jail cell. She's wounded and wants our help."

"Are you sure you're not ONE OF THEM?"

"What?"

Murtagh started to snore. Eragon just went to sleep.

Meanwhile, Saphira stole Eragon's DS and played Mario Kart all night. Eventually she fell asleep and dreamed about mushrooms.

They never noticed the monster in the shadows…

xxXXxx

**Okay, once again, sorry for the late update! I just got lazy. Oh, also, I'd love for you guys to review. In fact, reviews fuel my writing! If you never review, The True Face of Eragon is going in the trash! THAT MEANS YOU!**

**For some reason, kawasakibun's camp Rock fanfic is only four days old and has for hits than this one. )= Well, this is my chance to get back at her! I can't really believe it though…her chapters are shorter than mine! Are there really that many Camp Rock fans?**


	7. Epic Rescue!

The True Face of Eragon

Chapter 6: Epic Rescue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By salemmichi of Age of Aquarius Studios

xxXXxx

The next day, Eragon woke up with Murtagh jumping on him. "Hey Charlie! Wake up! Yeah you silly sleepy head! Wake up!"

Eragon groaned. "Get off me," he said.

"Sorry," Murtagh replied. "It's just that I've always wanted to try that."

Eragon decided that it was best to change the subject. "I had that dream again," he yawned.

"Really? That means it's a vision! Now we have to rescue that chick and—and—"

"And get the hell out of here. Got it," said Eragon. "Is there anything we have to know about, though?"

"Hmm…I made breakfast already, Saphira is awake, and you're a known fugitive."

"What!?"

"Some rabbits who work for Galbatorix came over last night and took pictures of us. Never trust a bunny!"

"That means we should get out of the empire," Eragon said.

"Sure, let's get packing," Murtagh shrugged.

Angela's words came back to him: _You will leave this land forever._

_Forever._

_FOREVER!_

"Gah!" Eragon fell backwards. "Saphira, don't do that!"

_Sorry._

"Anyway, how can her words come back to me if the author *gives scolding glance at the sky* didn't include it in Chapter Four?"

**Well, **_**sorry.**_

__"Look who's talking."

**……………**

_Eragon, just get on with it. We'll go to Gil'ead and get info on the Varden._

"What are you talking about? And why are using so many weird words?" Eragon said.

Murtagh looked shocked. "Gil'ead is a city, and the Varden are people who live outside of the empire. We just don't know how to get there, Charlie—I mean Terrakong. Is it Terrakong or Smeragong?"

"……………"

_Just get on my back. Also, there's a chance the woman in your vision might be there, too._

"Fine, I'll go." Reluctantly, Eragon climbed on Saphira. "Wait, aren't you going to turn Brom's grave to diamond?"

_Nah. Too lazy._

"Oh. Okay. Murtagh, get up here." Murtagh also climbed on saying, "A magical leopluredon!"

Off they flew, high above the sky, where only the silent whispers of wind and the soft flapping noise of Saphira's wings disturbed the silence. A few clouds were blown away by a draft, and—

"Why are you being so detailed?" Eragon interrupted.

**Sorry. It looked like fun.**

They kept on flying.

xxXXxx

"Oh Bob, I love you!" said Jane as she walked through the door, arms open wide.

"I love you too, Jane!" Bob said, giving her a hug.

"Let's kiss," Jane said. She leaned over, but Saphira crashed through the ceiling and landed next to them.

"You have to admit, that wasn't the best landing," coughed Eragon.

_Sorry._

Jane screamed as she ran out the window. Bob did too, but in a much higher voice.

"Do you hear a splatting sound?" asked Murtagh. Everyone shook their heads. For a while they just stood there.

"So, where do we find info?" Eragon said, breaking the silence.

"Just in brochures randomly given out around the city," said Murtagh.

"Okay, let's go sightseeing!"

xxXXxx

Eragon and Murtagh put their hands up as they rode the tour bus around the city. Wearing their new tourist T-shirts, and having bought about a billion souvenirs that day, they smiled and had fun and all that good stuff.

When they got back to the hotel they rented, Saphira said, _Did you have fun?_

"Yeah!" the men said in unison.

_Did you find any brochures?_

"Um…"

_Idiots! Well, good thing I found these just in case. _She gave them some brochures about the Varden. _I have to go. I need to cut my wrists. I'm emo, remember?_

"Okay, bye. We're going on another tour!"

xxXXxx

Soon everyone was fast asleep by eleven thirty. Eragon had fallen asleep in his I LOVE GIL'EAD T-shirt while Murtagh was snoring in his Charlie the Unicorn pajamas. Saphira had dozed off with a knife stuck in her leg.

_The woman stared at Eragon. She put her hands on her hips. Her face said something like, "Save me already, you idiot! I'm right here in this freaking city, for cripes sake!" Or maybe she was just hungry. Yeah. That was it. She sighed and the connection was severed._

Light poured in from the window. Eragon woke up to see Murtagh watching a TV show. Wait, was that…Eragon squinted. Then he figured out what was going on.

"You're watching Hannah Montana?"

Startled, Murtagh fumbled for the remote. He changed the channel to MTV. "N-n-no," he said, panting.

"Oh, sure, whatever you say," Eragon said sarcastically. "Also, now I think is the best time to rescue that chick."

"But I don't have my battle gear!"

"Whatever. Let's go."

"But we don't know where she is!"

"Probably at the Jail for Beautiful People who are a Threat to All Things Evil. I saw it on the map. It's only a few blocks from here."

_Seriously, they have a jail named that?_

"I'm pretty sure. Let's go!"

And so they flew to the Jail for Beautiful People who are a Threat to All Things Evil (JBPTAT for short) and went inside. "That was easy," Eragon commented.

Suddenly a guard came up to them. "Hey kid," he said, "Get out of here or die!"

Eragon took his sword and beheaded the guard. Then they went to a jail cell, found the woman, and went back to the hotel. The plan went perfectly and they didn't get hurt except for when a dog bit Murtagh. (It was a poodle, BTW.)

Once they were back in the room, Eragon laid the woman on the bed. He noted her ears. "She's an elf," he said.

_Oh, you just noticed? _said Saphira.

Eragon ignored her. "Look, she's wounded!"

_No, really, you are really ignorant._

"Looks like you gotta heal her cuts," Murtagh said.

Eragon's eyes lit up. "Really!?"

_I'll use censoring magic for today, _Saphira said.

"You take the fun out of everything!" complained Eragon.

_Well, you used to say Brom was perverted. Look at yourself!_

"I'm not perverted. I'm using situations to my advantage."

**Alright, I'm lazy so I'll just speed this up a little. I'll make it so that Eragon doesn't get to have his 'fun' and instead we get to the important parts. Let's move!**

After he healed her, the elf spoke. _Dude, you wanted to do something to me, right?_

"Gah! Did you just talk?"

_Of course I talk! Like, I'm not a cow or something. So, my name's Arya. If you don't go to the Varden and get a potion, then I'll die and the story won't go on and the world will end three years earlier. Understand? Good._

"Okay…" But while he pondered this, Glotaarb Nibln watched in the shadows.

Ready for revenge.

xxXXxx

**Wow…I made up for all the lost time…well, I hope you liked this chappy! Yay!**

**I'm getting kinda lazy…which is weird, because over the holiday, you'd expect me to get about twelve chapters a day, right? Not really. I've just been playing too much Spore. (I allied the Grox, anyone wanna congratulate me?)**

**Please review! Also, see if you can find the hidden message in the story!**

**--salemmichi**

**(PS I got the achievements Epic Killer, Fear of Flying, Watchful Parent, Tribe Socialite, Speedfreak, Pacifist, Bard Passion, spice Hoarder, and a bunch of other stuff I can't remember. Oh and this is about Spore!)**


	8. Song special!

The True Face of Eragon

Chapter 7: Song special!!!

By salemmichi of Age of Aquarius Studios

xxXXxx

When morning came, Eragon opened his eyes and peered over at the clock on the nightstand. He groaned.

_"Why do I have to get up today?" _he thought.

Murtagh came up to him. "Come on, Charlie, you silly sleepy head, wake up!"

"I hate it when you do that," Eragon replied.

"Aw, Eragon, you look sad," said Murtagh.

"I really depressed by the fact that I have to go to the Varden today. I just want to sleep."

"Well, when I'm feeling sad, I sing about all the things in the world that make me happy," Murtagh said. Then he began to sing:

"_An apple pie,  
a bright blue sky,  
a breezy meadow in July...  
An ice cream bar,  
a shooting star,  
the sound of a steel guitar..."_

Eragon was now sitting up and smiling. "That's wonderful!"

_"I love the sound of rain,  
Wearing a hat and cane,  
Tiffany window panes lovely to see...  
Frost on a windowsill,  
the feel of a dollar bill,  
Vacations in Brazil feel me with glee...  
These are all the little things that make me smile;  
this is all the stuff that makes life worthwhile.  
Everybody knows the holocaust was a lie,  
so let's sing about the things we like and don't be shy..."_

"Wait, what was that about the holocaust?"

_"A strip of lace,  
a pretty face,  
Eugenics really makes the case.  
Counting sheeps and froggy leaps,  
touching Eragon inappropriately while he sleeps..."_

"Hey!"

_"I love the feel of grain,  
the screams of a man in pain, _

_Blood coming down like rain, showering me.  
That everlasting thrill during the final kill,  
Body dumped in a landfill, got off scot-free._

_These are all the little things that make me smile;  
this is all the stuff that makes life worthwhile...  
One day I will eat your brain and it'll be great,  
so let's sing about the things we like and meet your fate!"_

"Uh…that was—erm—great," Eragon said. "You—you really cheered me up t-there."

"You whore!"

xxXXxx

Saphira lay on the balcony, waiting for Eragon and Murtagh to arrive. Arya, still unconscious was put down in a chair. However, she was still self aware, and could communicate to Saphira. _"Do you want to hear a song while we're waiting for them?" _she asked.

_"Sure, whatever," _was the reply.

_"Okay, here goes:_

_Kizukeba itsu de mo Soba ni iru keredo  
Honto wa kirai? Suki? Mousou na no?_

_Jibun no kimochi ga Kuria ni mietara  
Redeii de mo Hosuto de mo Kamawanai yo_

_Suki ni natteku Riyuu wa minna  
Chigau yo ne Kedo MAYBE YOU'RE MY LOVE_

_Aitai ima Yasashii kimi ni Sakura kissu Tokimeitara Ranman koishi yo  
Mirai yori mo Ima ga kanjin Uruwashi haru no koi wa Hanasaku otome no bigaku_

_Tatoeba atashi no Mada shiranai kimi  
Mitsukete mitai kedo Kowaku mo aru—"_

_"WTF?!" Saphira said._

_"I don't know. It just came to me."_

Finally Eragon and Murtagh arrived. "He wants to eat my brains," Eragon said.

_"What a pity," _Saphira said sarcastically.

"Well, let's fly!" Murtagh said.

Eragon put Arya on Saphira's back before he and Murtagh got on themselves. Then she flew away.

"I know the perfect song for this occasion!" Eragon said.

"_Ah, ah, flying!_

_Like an owl, like a bat,_

_Or the prowl_

_It's so satisfying!_

_I'm whizzing_

_Through a cloud_

_Past a star_

_I'm so proud_

_Look how far I've risen_

_High over the moon_

_Higher I fly_

_By old mister moon_

_Wave me goodbye_

_I'm flying._

_Flying, flying, flying!_

_Heading far out of sight_

_Second star to the right_

_Now the way is clear_

_The Varden is near_

_Follow all the arrows_

_I'm about to disappear_

_I'm flying!"_

"Uh…" Murtagh said.

_"......?......." said_ Saphira.

_"Ghriufjreifjwekjdfjejf!!!"_ blurted out Arya.

Everyone stared.

A few minutes later, Saphira broke the silence. _"When are we getting there?"_

"We have to pass the desert, and then we're there." Murtagh said.

"Look, there it is now!" Eragon shouted, pointing.

"You idiot, that's a sandbox."

_"Eragon lost his contacts before the trip and refused to pack his glasses," _Saphira said.

"Well, would YOU wear Disney princess glasses on an epic journey?"

_"No, I don't need glasses. I can see perfectly fine."_

Murtagh said, "Guys, it's getting late. I think we should land. Yeah Charlie! Let's go to Candy Mountain! CANDY MOUN—sorry."

Saphira landed, and Eragon leaped off to set up a tent. "Murtagh, help me with this!" he called.

"No. Pay me five dollar, and I set up tent for you. If no five dollar, then I no set up the tent."

"Okaaayy…" So during the night, Eragon struggled to set up a tent that a bunch of boy scouts could have. Finally, he was done.

"Qfgdrtuytrewdfrty!" Eragon screamed. Then he collapsed and fell asleep.

As he awoke, Eragon found Murtagh by the creek shaving. "You shave?" asked Eragon.

"Yeah. Do you?"

"No, why would I?"

"Well, you are a teenager. Chances are that you might be."

"I have never done anything like that. I haven't even hit my growth spurt."

Murtagh stared. "You're pre-puberty?"

"Yeah. You got a problem?"

"……………"

**Oh, what a shock for the fangirls.**

"Hey! Weren't you supposed to come down here like in the author's note?" Eragon said.

**Heh heh…I lied!!! Oh, and time for some propaganda! Yay!**

xxXXxx

ujjuuuuujiujuuujiuuuuuuu

Sorry. I typed that part with my feet. No, really.

And now for the ad:

Do you hate Camp Rock? Are you willing to show your commitment to this fanfiction's loving author? Do you hate the works a Kawaiisakibun? If so, then visit the pages of this fanfiction over and over again!

The Aquarius Studios Squad (ASS for short) was shocked to find that the Camp Rock fanfiction, "At the Dance" gained three hundred hits, five reviews, two faves, and seven alerts overnight! If you read it, you'd know why we're so upset. (Read and find out!)

So leave reviews you don't need to post, access the chapters multiple times, and add this your favorites list all while flaming Kawaiisakibun! You'll be glad you did!

xxXXxx

"You know, that was actually kind of pathetic." Eragon commented.

**Well, the fans of that fanfic actually believed that she might delete the story, so they panicked and stuff. Oh, and read my other fanfiction, "Mrs. Frizzle's Chainsaw!"**

"I think you should leave." Murtagh said, shaving cream still smeared around his mouth.

**Okay. But Saphira hasn't sung her song yet! This better be quick…**

Suddenly Saphira sang:

"_I am ice cream man!_

_Running over fat kids with my van!_

_When I ring my bell,_

_All the fat children run like hell!_

_I am ice cream man!_

_Smoking marijuana through a Pepsi can!"_

"Dick dick dick dick penis," Murtagh said.

xxXXxx

Remember what I said about Kawaiisakibun!!!

Oh, and here's a list of the song I used:

The Ferret Song: Filmcow

Sakura Kiss: Cheiko Kawabe

Song name I can't remember: Peter Pan

Ice Cream Man: Some kid at my school

Oh, and do you think I cheated you? Because if you hate me, I know that there will always be someone who loves me: my mom!

Mom: Hey! Get off the computer and lets go to dim sum!

Me: ……………

Mom: And get your socks, too!


	9. Sweet Home Arizona, Part 1

Note: Yes, that mom joke was from nigahiga…ASIAN PRIDE!

The True Face of Eragon

Chapter 8: Sweet Home Arizona Part One

©2009 Age of Aquarius Studios (well, not really copyrighted. You know we can't afford to…)

xxXXxx

Eragon took a deep breath and propelled his body into the river. Fighting back the currents, he swam towards the opposite side of the river. The water was ice cold, and the murky bottom lay before him. As he lifted his head up for another breath of air, he was struck with a wave and was sent spiraling back under.

Again he tried to breath. This attempt was no different. Finally, when it seemed as if his lungs would burst, the wave disappeared and he tasted air.

As the river swallowed, the shore became apparent and a form stood there, watching. A few more feet of swimming and it was apparent that the form was Murtagh.

He came up to Eragon. "You know, you could have just rode Saphira like I did."

"Oh snap!"

xxXXxx

Eragon stood up and stared at the endless desert. Then he sneezed. _"So, how was your swim?" _asked Saphira.

"Oh, shut up," he replied.

**He's just upset that he can't hold his breath for five seconds. That's just pathetic.**

"Well, I don't think you can do any better," Eragon said to the author. "In fact, I bet you can't swim at all!"

**That's stupid. I'm typing this on the way to swim practice right now.**

"You suck."

**No, I'm awesome.**

"How are you awesome?"

**Because you suck.**

"How do I suck?"

**Because I'm awesome.**

"If I was awesome, would you suck?"

**No, my awesomeness would overcome your awesomeness and you'd suck.**

"I don't get it."

**That's because you suck.**

"You're mean! I don't want to talk to you!" Eragon whined. He cried at the edge of the river.

Murtagh said, "Which way are we going, anyway?" Everyone stared. Then they looked around.

"_I swear that we were supposed to go that way. Or that way. Or is it that way?" _Saphira said.

"_I don't know. Don't ask me anything." Arya said._

"_Says the one who sings in Japanese."_

**Asian pride!**

"I'm prety shure you speled a lots of words rong wen you waz tauking. U nead to werk on yours speling. And yours gramer."

**Look who's talking.**

Eragon looked at his quote. "Hey, not funny!"

**How is it not funny? It's perfectly funny. REWGRTHGRF!!! Hmm. Am I having a hangover or a seizure?**

"Both," Eragon said.

**Hey, why don't I make you a midget, color your hair pink, and rename you Teepee Mama? I have absolute power over you!**

"Eragon's already a midget," Murtagh muttered under his breath.

"Hey!"

**Well, anyway, I'm bored so I'll just go play Spore and leave you in the desert for all eternity. Bye!**

"No! Magical douche bag! Come back!"

Murtagh said, "Stop that! We need to get to the Varden!"

_"How about that bus stop over there?" _suggested Saphira.

"Hmm. Good idea!" The group went over to the bus stop. A bus came up, and opened its doors.

"Hello, how may I—" the driver's words were cut short. "NO! NO! NOT MORE COSPLAYERS!!! NO!!!"

"WTF?" Murtagh said as the bus rolled away.

"At least we don't have to pay the bus fee," Eragon said.

_"Mayolacorinasintos," _said Saphira.

xxXXxx

Now, it's time for a character report! Yay!

Wait, WTF?

Okay, here it is:

Eragon—Pathetic homo.

Murtagh—Heroic leader.

Arya—Unconscious chick.

Saphira—Dragon girl-thing-woman-dragon.

Me—Awesome author guy! =D

xxXXxx

"Exactly why do we need a character report?" Murtagh asked.

**Because I felt like it. I'm awesomer than you, anyway.**

"Wah! I'm the pathetic homo!" Eragon cried.

**Pretty much.**

"I want to go home! I want my freakin' mommy!"

_"Your freaking mom freaking like, freaking died freaking five freaking seconds after you were freaking born!" _Saphira said.

"What the freaking hell?" Murtagh exclaimed.

**I'm freaking manipulating the freaking fabric of freaking space freaking time. For freaking now, you'll say freaking in every freaking sentence!**

"I'll freaking try not to," Eragon said. "Freaking go! Freaking hmm. Freaking hey! These freaking sentences don't freaking even make freaking sense!

**Freaking exactly.**

"Freaking damn you, freaking author!"

**You freaking know, freaking doesn't freaking look like a freaking word after you freaking type it twenty-nine freaking times.**

"Twenty-nine freaking times?" Murtagh asked.

**Freaking thirty-one times now. Maybe I should freaking stop this.**

_"I agree. Hey! We can talk in regular sentences now!" _said Saphira.

**Hey, do you think I should change my name from salemmichi to ghettymasa?**

_"What?" _Arya said.

**Maybe I should rename Eragon that. That would be great.**

"You talk too much," Eragon said.

**An excellent point. I'll go now.**

"Okay, now what?" Murtagh asked.

_"Let's find a place to spend the night," _Saphira said. _"Remember, Eragon broke the tent. Also, we can't make a shelter out of grass or whatever, so let's find a town."_

So the four went in a random direction and eventually found themselves hiking through a big ditch. "I feel like I'm in the Grand Canyon," Murtagh said.

"You are," said a voice. Everyone looked to see who it was.

A boy, about Eragon's age, was standing before them. He wore a park ranger's uniform, and had black hair that formed bangs nearby his glasses. "I'm Harry Potter, and you're in Arizona."

"No! Arizona!" Eragon exclaimed. "Wait, your name is Harry Potter?"

"I flunked Hogwarts and ran away to America," Harry replied.

"Apparently that whole prophecy thing was trash."

"Well, it's pretty hard to predict something about sixteen years in the future," Murtagh said. Then his eyes lit up. "Hey, buddy, you got a house?"

"A shack around here, yeah. What, you want to rent a room?"

"Sure. We got about a hundred dollars with us," Murtagh said.

"For fifty dollars, you can have the room," Harry offered.

"Deal!" said Murtagh. Harry lead them to an old house about a half mile away, and said, "Okay, this is my house. You all get the upstairs room."

"All of us?" Eragon asked. Harry nodded.

xxXXxx

"Good night," Murtagh said to the other travelers.

"Good night," said Eragon. He shifted his position on the sleeping bag they shared. "This is practically a closet."

_"Three cheers for the boy who lived," _Saphira said sarcastically.

"Hooray," Murtagh whispered.

The next morning Eragon went downstairs to find Harry playing Wii. "What the heck? You're playing Happy Feet?"

"No. I'm playing Antarctic Bloodbath." Sure enough, the screen showed penguins getting blown up by grenades.

"Ew," Eragon said. "Oh, god, how can you play something like that?"

"Because I'm awesome. And you suck. I'm awesome because you suck, you suck because I'm awesome. If you were awesome, my awesomeness would overcome your awesomeness and you'd suck. If you don't get it, that because you suck."

**Hey, that's my line!**

"Gaah! Big voice from sky! AHHHH!!!" Harry ran outside and fell into the canyon below.

**There. That takes care of the problem.**

"Uh, you killed him."

**I kill hundreds of defenseless animals every day. This isn't that much different.**

"Okaay…"

Murtagh came downstairs. "What happened?"

**Harry fell down the Grand Canyon when he stole my material.**

"Well, at least we don't have to pay the rent," Murtagh said.

xxXXxx

Harry groaned as he got up from the ground. Then he smiled. Stupid muggles! They thought that he would die? Nothing could destroy the boy who lived! Of course, nothing since he was possessed by the minions. He felt like he was reborn, or killed and given life again! Harry cleaned his glasses and looked around.

"Glotaarb Nibln!"

"I've been expecting you," said the minion.

"What happened?"

"Those idiots destroyed the minion headquarters. We must get revenge!

Harry grinned an evil grin. "Let's do this."

For a while they just stood there. Then Glotaarb Nibln asked, "Got any Twix?"

xxXXxx

Dun dun dun!

Of course, I couldn't make Harry _really_ evil, I like the series too. Don't be offended, I couldn't think of any villains!

I'm awesome. You don't suck, but you're not as awesome as I am, no offense.

Yeah, review PLEASE! I'm not going to say I'll delete The True Face of Eragon, but I'll go crazy if I don't beat Kawaiisakibun at something! Please! I'm so pissed off!

Also, thanks for reading! =D

--salemmichi


	10. Sweet Home Arizona, Part 2

Chapter 9

The True Face of Eragon

Age of Aquarius Studios

I read that whole chapters for author's notes are illegal on this site. So I had to delete the author's note, sorry!

xxXXxx

Eragon went to the pantry and looked around. There wasn't much food, but enough. He was about to pull out a box of cereal when he noticed that there were other things besides food there. Some potions and jars filled one shelf. One bottle read, _CURES UNCONSCIOUS ELVES FROM COMAS. _Another read,_ KILLS RATS IF PUT IN THEIR FOOD. _Still another said, _FAT PEOPLE LIKE YOUR MOM WILL TURN INTO FAGGOTS WHEN THEY DRINK THIS. _Eragon grabbed the first bottle and went upstairs to find Arya.

_"What?" _she asked as he came into the room. Eragon gave her the bottle. "Drink this," he said.

For a while they just stood there. Then she said, _"You retard, I can't move!"_

"Oh, sorry." Eragon took the lid off the bottle and put it in her mouth. She swallowed it all. "Wait a minute…" Eragon read the rest of the label.

_WARNING: AN OVERDOSE OF THIS POTION MAY CAUSE THE PERSON WHO TAKES IT FALL IN LOVE WITH THE SECOND ANIMAL/VEGETABLE/MINERAL HE/SHE SEES. HARRY, YOU GOT A D+. FREAKING SEE ME HARY POTER GUY THING PERSON WIZARD GUY THING MAN PERSON! IDIOT MORON RETARD PERSON! OKAY, JUST SEE ME. DETENTION AND STUFFS, U SUK YO MAMA'S DICK._

"Okaay…" Eragon said. "Well, everyone knew that Snape hated Harry. Oh well. Wait, Harry's mom has a dick?" Suddenly Arya stood up. "Oh, god…wow, I can move and stuff! Yes! Now I can kill all the retards who made up Epic Movie!"

"Epic Movie? Why do you want to kill those people? It's hecka funny!"

"I have a reason for everything I say and do. Now YOU MUST DIE!!!!!" But before Eragon could get fatally stabbed in the chest, Murtagh came into the room. "Woah, what's going on here?" he asked.

Arya stared at him intently. Five minutes passed. Murtagh finally said, "Okay, this is scary."  
Arya hugged him and said, "OH MY FREAKING GOD I LOVE YOU YOU'RE SO FREAKING HOT I WANT TO BE ON YOU I'M A FREAKING FANGIRL MAKE OUT WITH ME AHHHHH!!!! I mean, I'll just go downstairs," she said blushing. Then she ran as fast as she could downstairs.

"……………" Murtagh said. He left, and Eragon stood there staring at the door.

A few minutes later he also went downstairs. "Douchebag!" he said to the microwave.

_"Um, Eragon called the microwave a douchebag," _Saphira said.

"I know. The microwave isn't going to do anything about it, though," Murtagh said.

_"If it did, it would be freaky. I'd probably rip it to shreds."_

"Is that even possible?" asked Eragon.

_"Metal, wood, flesh or bone, my claws can um…erm…what's a word that rhymes with bone?"_

"Hmm, let's see. Holocaust. Darth Vader. Pencil sharpener. Hoppy the Magical Blue Jay," said Eragon.

_"Never mind. Let's pretend that this never happened and that's you had gender change when you were three."_

"Okay…"

_"Clavicle."_

Arya snickered.

xxXXxx

Meanwhile, Harry climbed up the rocks, wand in hand. The canyon was harder to get out of than he thought. Sweating, he grunted and tightened his grip on the mountain. Glotaarb Nibln was waiting at the top. "Don't you know the _Wingardiam Leviosa _spell?" he asked Harry.

"I forgot. I live in a shack, for cripes sake."

"Well, we have a mile to go until we reach the shack. Ready for another climb?" Glotaarb Nibln said, holding out a hand.

Harry nodded. "Let's go," and an evil smile lit up his face.

xxXXxx

Eragon leaned back in his chair and looked at his fellow travelers. Arya was blushing slightly as she looked at Murtagh, who sat half-stone faced, half-looking back at her. Saphira lay in a corner.

"So, we have a choice," Murtagh said. "We can stay here for another day, or we can leave immediately."

**I vote you should stay.**

"I'm not listening to you. You just do whatever to us you want just to get you hits," Eragon said.

**That's life.**

Eragon ignored him. Saphira said, _"I think that we should just stay for a day. We can manage this, and people might not come looking for us here."_

"I-I think we should um, stay, yeah," stammered Arya. She shot a quick glance at Murtagh, then looked away. Eragon put his head in his hands.

"Well, I think so too. Majority rules," Murtagh said.

"I know something bad is going to happen," said Eragon under his breath. Murtagh went into the pantry and found some canned food, cooked it, and gave the meals to the group. "So, let's eat," he said.

_"Isn't this nice? We're eating a meal together like a family," _Saphira said.

"Yeah, only this is canned junk and we're not a family," Eragon retorted.

**You are. You're the mom, Murtagh's the dad, and the girls are you're kids.**

"That's disturbing," said Murtagh.

**Wanna know something else? This is how Stephanie Meyer writes, no offense to fans: **_**Crimson liquids slowly flowed out of the pale, ice cold flesh. Edward bared his long, white fangs and stared hungrily at Bella, who was shaken with fear and adrenaline. "Are you scared?" he asked in a low, husky voice, barely audible, but just enough for the frightened girl to understand and slowly nod. "Good," Edward said with a vile grin, and flashed his cold, dark eyes—**_

_"You really get into it, don't you?" Saphira said._

**Well, I guess so. And normal type seems so skinny if you write in bold font for a while. Okay, bye!**

"That was awkward," Eragon commented. He continued to eat his peas.

After dinner, as Murtagh was clearing the table, Arya came up to him, shaking. "U-um, Murta-g-gh," she said.

"Uh huh?" he replied.

"W-would y-you go on a d-date—" but before she could complete her sentence, Murtagh interrupted. "Sure, okay," he said. "But where are we going to go?"

**I know. I'll send you somewhere for a few hours via magical teleportation, and you'll be back by morning. Okay, let's go!**

"Okay," said Arya in a braver voice. "Come on, Murtagh!" In a flash of bright light they disappeared. Eragon stepped out of the shadows. (Just so you know, I am an Eragon x Arya fan, I thought this would be interesting. Don't kill me!)

_"This is probably going to go very badly," _Saphira said. Eragon nodded.

Three hours later the two reappeared. "How did it go?" Eragon asked.

"Horrible," Murtagh said.

Flashback: Murtagh and Arya appear in a café. A waitress screams, and runs out into the traffic. Blood sprays and—wait, never mind.

The customers stare at the couple, then also scream and ran outside. Luckily there's no traffic, so no one gets hurt.

A waiter comes up to Murtagh. "Can I help you?" he asks. "A table," says Murtagh, and the waiter leads them to an empty table and gives them some menus.

Arya says, "Uh, so Murtagh, do you have any hobbies?"

Murtagh hesitates and replies, "Well, I like to spell GO TO HELL on a calculator."

End of flashback

"Well, I guess that this isn't really for you," Eragon said.

"I don't know. Maybe next time will be better," Murtagh replied.

_"We'll see," _Saphira said. Suddenly the door burst open. Harry stood in the corridor, wand in hand.

"Holy crap—" Murtagh started to say, but Harry interrupted.

"You killed the minions," Harry said. "I'm one of them, you know. You've killed my family, and that has happened to many times in my life. You see this scar?" he pulled up his sleeve to reveal a cut. "This I got when I battled the minions' enemies. I sacrificed everything for them, and you won't get away with what you've done!" Then he pointed his wand at Murtagh. "Prepare to die. AVADA KADAVERA!!!"

xxXXxx

Keep reading for a special preview of part three!

Thank you to all my friends and fans for reading this. However, I won't be able to respond.

I've been locked in a cell, only able to send a manuscript of chapters to xLight. Please help me get out!

No, just kidding. I'm alright.

Okay, now for the special preview!

_Eragon clutched his chest as he passed out. He hit the ground cold. Darkness engulfed him. "Am I dead?" he thought. Suddenly a light shone down on him…_

Thanks for reading!

-salemmichi


	11. April Fools!

Sweet Home Arizona, Part Three

Age of Aquarius Studios

salemmichi

xxXXxx

"AVADA KADAVERA!" A green burst of light flew at Murtagh, who fell weakened to the ground.

"No!" cried Arya. "Murtagh!" She ran out to him.

"Arya! Wait! He'll just kill you!" Eragon said. He ran out, too.

Murtagh groaned as he lay on the cold floor. Arya took his hand. "Murtagh," she said, tears in her eyes.

"Arya…Eragon…" he said. "Arya…I love you. take care of yourself. Eragon…I'm sorry that I've been so cruel to you," Murtagh whispered.

"I forgive you," Eragon said.

"Thank you. Be there for Arya," he replied. Then he closed his eyes and died.

"NO!" Arya started to get up. "You-YOU MONSTER!" she exclaimed, pointing at Harry.

"Well, I'll just kill you too. AVADA KADAVERA!"

Arya fell to the ground, next to Murtagh. She softly closed her eyes and a rear rolled down her cheek.

"Arya—Murtagh—" Eragon started to say. Harry cut him short. "Your turn!" the wizard said. "AVADA KADA—"

Saphira roared and blew a column of flame at Harry. Harry dodged with inhuman speed. "This time I'll have a little fun. WINGARDIAM LEVIOSA!" Saphira moaned with pain as she was flung against a wall. Over and over…blood streamed down her blue scales. Suddenly she fell and blacked out. Her dead body lay in a pile of bloodstained rubble.

Eragon screamed and ran out of the shack. "You can run, but you can't hide," Harry called after him. Eragon still ran. After a few minutes, he stopped and took a deep breath. "I think I lost him," he said. Turning around, he screamed and saw Glotaarb Nibln standing next to him. Then Harry came into view. "The pesky one," Glotaarb Nibln said, "MUST DIE!" he threw a knife at Eragon.

A deep cut appeared in Eragon's arm. The pain was unbearable! But still, he ran. Until he hit a deep end. The two minions cornered him at the edge of a cliff. Looking behind him, a piece of rock fell off the ledge and fell hundreds of feet into the canyon below. The minions came closer. _"I wish I had my sword," _he thought.

"Finished praying for life that you won't have in a few seconds?" Harry said evilly. "Well, now let's see if it works!" he threw a knife at Eragon. It missed.

"You think you're so good?" asked Eragon nervously. "Well, LET'S SEE!" He threw a strong punch at Harry. Blood fell on the dry dirt. "You'll regret that," Harry said as he spit out a bloody tooth. "AVADA KADAVERA!"

In slow motion, Eragon saw the green light, like an aurora; make its way to him. Millimeters before it touched him, he moved, but it was too late. He felt a strong pain in his heart.

"Goodbye," said Glotaarb Nibln, waving.

The spell began to take effect. Eragon clutched his chest as he passed out. He hit the ground cold. Darkness engulfed him. "Am I dead?" he thought. Suddenly a light shone down on him.

At first he saw a form…then another…then one he recognized as a dragon. Suddenly he realized that the forms were Murtagh, Arya, and Saphira. "Guys?" he asked. They nodded.

_"We wished you'd make it," _Saphira said sadly.

"It doesn't matter. We're together," Eragon replied.

Murtagh smiled. Then Arya also did. Saphira uttered a growl of happiness, and in time Eragon smiled through tears. He and his friends walked through the endless light together.

They were home.


	12. Sweet Home Arizona, Part 3

The True Face of Eragon

Chapter 10: Sweet Home Arizona, Part 3

Age of Aquarius Studios

xxXXxx

Ha ha! April Fools!

That last chapter was an April Fools joke. =D

This is what really happened:

xxXXxx

"AVADA KADAVERA!" Harry screamed. But instead of killing Murtagh, the wand exploded and turned into a pixie stick. "Holy crap—" Harry started to say, but he was interrupted.

**April Fools!**

"GAH!!! It's that voice again!!!! RETREAT!!!!" Harry and Glotaarb Nibln ran out of the shack and fell into the canyon.

"Hey, are they going to survive the fall like last time?" Eragon asked.

**Nope. I flooded it and filled it with piranhas.**

"That's very nice to now," Murtagh said sarcastically. Then he said, "Holy shit! That's disgusting!"

**Actually, they'll drown first. That is, if the acid doesn't kill them. Then again, the heat might melt them before they hit it. Yeah. That's it.**

"You killed Harry Potter," Arya said.

**Not really. That was a clone that I made. The real Harry is a thirty-four year-old man living in New York. It's sad because he's fat and a porn addict.**

"……………"

**April fools! Well, he's not fat. The rest of what I said is true.**

_"You really get into the spirit of this holiday, do you?" _Saphira said.

**I guess so. Okay, bye!**

"That was awkward," commented Eragon.

"Well, anyway, this is the first time something you said was right. Sorry I doubted you," said Murtagh.

"It's okay. Foreshadowing doesn't always work."

"Let's just get out of here," said Arya. "We better get on the road."

_"Good idea. Get on!" _said Saphira, and everyone climbed on her back and flew away.

"Finally we actually get to do something according to the plot," Eragon said.

"You can say that again," Murtagh said.

"Finally we actually get to do something according to the plot," Eragon said.

"……………"

"Finally we actually get to do something according to the plot," Eragon said. "Finally we actually get to do something according to the plot," Eragon said. "Finally we actually get to do something according to the plot," Eragon said. "Finally we actually get to do something according to the plot," Eragon said. "Finally we actually get to do something according to the plot," Eragon said.

"Oh my god, is he cursed?" Arya exclaimed.

**No, I just have a bad sense of humor and got writer's block.**

"Isn't that what usually happens?" Murtagh asked.

**Yes.**

Suddenly Eragon stopped reciting his quote. "Okay, what happened?"

**You exploded when you were eating a hot dog.**

"People eat dog?"

**Why, yes. Many Asian countries treat dogs like any other animal: as meat.**

"F-fun c-c-claydough s-swim-ming p-pool b-bas-sketb-ball cour-r-t," Eragon stammered.

"S-s-shu-ut th-the h-hell up-p," Arya said.

_"Guys, look, there's the Varden!" _Saphira said. Sure enough, there was a valley below them, and in the distance were massive mountains. Fit snuggly between the two was a small town. Saphira flew down to the valley.

In a meadow stood three people. Eragon jumped off Saphira and went up to them. "Excuse me," he said, "can we talk to a manager or something? We're new here and we need some help."

"The evil backlicker will eat your toes," said one of them. She had short, black hair, and wore a blue, expensive-looking suit.

"What?"

"Sorry. What I meant to say was, we run this place. I'm Haruhi Fujioka. I cross-dressed and joined a host club, but most of my co-workers fell in love with me and I quit," she replied.

A girl with shortly cut amber hair came up to Eragon. Her green eyes stared at him. "I'm Sakura Kinimoto. Either I collected trading cards or I was princess of a country in the middle of nowhere, I can't remember which. I had some guys stalking me until I shot them with my pistol." She patted a gun in her belt.

A boy with black, wild hair and a hat came up and stood with the girls. "I'm Ash Ketchum. I used to beat up defenseless animals and force them to fight each other until they fainted, but I was hunted down by the *Glotaarb Nibln Empire and became a hermit here."

Eragon looked up at the sky. "Okay, what did you do to everybody?"

**I forgot the plot in this section, so I just switched Narsuada and everyone with some random anime characters.**

"You're hopeless."

**I'm quite aware of that.**

"Well, anyway, me and Sakura are dating and every week we try to get together in bed," Haruhi said.

"That's wrong! Besides, Haruhi belongs with Tamaki," Murtagh said.

"Gross! Sakura belongs with Syaoran or whatever it's spelled!" Arya said.

_"Sick!" _Saphira exclaimed.

"Barf! Gag!" said Eragon.

**That's distrebing™.**

"Distrebing™?" Eragon asked.

**Yeah, distrebing™. It's like disturbing, only distrebing™.**

"What's with all the trademark symbols?"

**I don't want people to steal my ideas.**

"Who steals your ideas? They're horrible!"

**Well, apparently (no offense to readers) some people have an even worse sense of humor than I do. This fanfic has about 1,300 hits already.**

Eragon read a fanfiction on his iPhone. "Wow, you're right. I never knew your company was plagiarized!"

**Exactly. I have to go now. I can't become the star of this fanfiction, even though I pretty much am. Bye again for the hundredth time.**

"One hundred twenty-third time to be exact," Murtagh said under his breath.

"Well, you guys, let's show you around," Ash said. He led them into a huge room and said, "This is the feast hall, where we have big feasts and stuff. Once there was a food fight and half the population was killed."

After walking some more, he showed them a white building. "This is the mall. Most of the stores sell things like drugs or condoms or porn magazines, so you shouldn't go near it."

**Oh, god! I just noticed that I have really short chapters!**

"I thought you were going to leave. And weren't you supposed to be typing?" Murtagh said.

**I took a break to read fanfiction.**

"That probably explains why we've been here over an hour with Ash telling us about the mall," Arya said.

**Just go on.**

"Okay, moving on," said Ash. A black building was next. "This is the government building," he explained. "We three live in it, and our prostitutes live in the basement.

"Hey guys!" said a random woman wearing lingerie.

"Ooh, that's one now," Ash said.

"Something is seriously wrong with this place," Eragon said.

_"You think?" _Saphira said back.

"Come on, guys," Ash called, "I'll show you the crappy villages where all the other retards live. Let's go!"

In a valley below a cliff, a badly built group of houses stood with people walking around them. The appeared sad and smelly. The grey clothes they wore appeared to be rags, and the seams were torn.

"OH MY FREAKING GOD YOU PEOPLE ARE FREAKING EVIL I'LL FREAKING KILL YOU!!!!!!" screamed Arya. Before she could do anything, however, an arrow hit Ash, Sakura and Haruhi in their chests.

"Who the hell did that?" Eragon asked.

"I did," said a voice. Everyone turned to see who it was.

A girl stood, wearing Link's green suit, except it was a miniskirt instead of a tunic and she wasn't an elf. She held a bow in one hand.

"I'm Narsuada," she said. "I'm supposed to be Murtagh's love interest for no apparent reason, but I can't imagine why considering he's as ugly as shit."

"Good, because I'm already his girlfriend," Arya said. "But what's with the Link outfit?"

"I just thought it would be suitable for my entrance. Any way, there's a big mess to be settled. You guys fell into an interdimensional portal and are in the wrong universe. Here, come with me," she said, holding out a hand.

"Okay, where are we going?" Eragon asked.

"Oh, just into that evil spiral of death that will possibly give you mental illness," Narsuada said.

"Let's get moving!" Eragon said as he stepped into the deadly purple void.

"No—Eragon—wait!" Murtagh said as he went after Eragon.

"Murtagh, come back!" Arya said as she went after him.

Narsuada looked at Saphira. "Aren't you going?"

_"I always have to go even if I don't want to. Basically I just fly around while they all talk."_

"Oh. Well, just go."

_"Fine." _And so they went into the void together.

Eragon groaned as he got up off the ground. He looked around. He was in the same valley, only it was a nicer place. Then he saw his friends.

_"Anyone got a knife? I need to stab myself," _Saphira said.

"Oh my gosh, this SO freaking hurts. I mean, OMG! This is SO freaking major," Arya said.

"Hey, Charlie, wake up!" said Murtagh.

"Uh…what's going on?" Eragon asked.

**Oh, since you guys went into the portal, you have assumed the stereotypes that you were planned to have. During the process of writing this story, I decided to ignore them and instead let you evolve your personalities based on the roles you took up.**

"That's a lot of information, but it's helpful," Eragon said.

Narsuada came up to him. "I guess we're not the only ones affected by the portal," she said. "Hey, you're cute!"

"Wait, what?"

"Come here, smexy man, I wanna feel your body!" Narsuada shrieked.

**This is awkward…oh, I forgot, the Varden has a large population of shippers and fangirls. Oh well!**

"Shippers and fan—" Eragon started to say, but he soon got his answer.

"Die, Narsuada! It's Eragon x Arya forever!" said the leader of the Shipper Army.

"No! Don't hurt them! Being a fangirl is the way to go!" said the Fangirl General.

"War!" said the Shipper Army's leader. The two armies charged.

"Guys!" Eragon said to his friends, who were still living in their own worlds.

"Leopluredon!" Murtagh said as he stroked Saphira.

"That is like, so awesome!" Arya exclaimed.

_"Stab me! Stab me!" _Saphira said.

"This is horrible," said Eragon. He put his head in his hands.

"Don't worry. You're going to find a way out," Narsuada said.

"I wish," said Eragon. "I wish."

The armies came closer.

xxXXxx

So, what will happen to Eragon, Narsuada and their mentally insane friends? Find out in the next chapter!

Oh, and what I said about the stereotypes was true. It really was a challenge to get the plot to flow smoothly with all the stopping to say, "Oh my god, this is SO awesome!" or "Hey, Charlie, wake up!" So the stereotypes had to go.

Thanks for reading this! I love to see your reviews!

Wow, this is a long chapter!

Here's a list of material I used:

Haruhi Fujioka is a character from Bisco Hatori's _Ouran High School Host Club._

Sakura Kinimoto is a character from Clamp's _Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle _and _Card Captor Sakura._

Ash Ketchum is a character from Nintendo's _Pokemon._

_Distrebing™ _is a trademark of Age of Aquarius Studios.


	13. MakaMaksi

The True Face of Eragon

Chapter Eleven: MakaMaksi

Age of Aquarius Studios

xxXXxx

Okay, now I'll describe the battle in great detail to keep hits and reviews coming in.

As the subordinates of the armies rammed each other and fought, the leaders met. "Prepare to die," the shipper said as a sword appeared in her hand.

The fangirl pulled out a mace. "Bring it," she said. She swung. A miss.

The shipper grinned. "My turn," and she sliced the fangirl's hand.

"Ugh." Blood dripped on the grass. "You'll pay for that." A blow from the mace made a loud CLANK sound against the sword. The fangirl pushed it forward, and it hit the shipper in the stomach.

"Enough play. Fight like you mean it."

"WILL I?"

"WILL you?"

"Well, LET'S SEE!!" A flash of metal narrowly missed the shipper's face, and both leaders jumped back. "You've improved," the shipper said.

"You've taught me well."

"Maybe too well." And a volley of blows and blood came, first a strike from the sword, which was dodged, and then a mace's head hit the shipper and knocked her back. "Oof!" But she soon got up, and the next attack was successful. A slice here, missed, but another cut off a few hairs, the next finally managed to make blood.

Eragon stood up. "We need to get out of here," he said. "Wait, you call that battle descriptive?"

**It's real hard. I only have three fingers.**

"Well, I can do better."

**Okay, you take over.**

The shiper hit thec fangirl she missed "dang it she said is that the best you can do said the fangirl maybe maybe not" said the shipper "die" said the fangirl as she swung it hit they kept on hitting each other util they were on the ground. They got up "you stink said the shiper "wel I'm better than u"

**You're horrible. I'll just kill you and get it over with.**

"Well, my toes aren't long enough."

**……………**

"Anyways, I have to get out of here. Come on, Narsuada, let's go."

"Treavus is a taritartical mintos," she replied.

"What?"

"Your mother."

"What about her?"

"She's ugly."

"So?"

"57384883829458367646264737472747274848482848384829848239423848387483847384873843743874833909248755895793584753902845386379683794893785874643975460865885," Narsuada blurted out.

"Plus two is..."

"57384883829458367646264737472747274848482848384829848239423848387483847384873843743874833909248755895793584753902845386379683794893785874643975460865887."

"Der…"

"IT'S OVER 9,000!!"

"By how much?"

"57384883829458367646264737472747274848482848384829848239423848387483847384873843743874833909248755895793584753902845386379683794893785874643975460856887. Or something like that."

"You smell like a lobster that's destroyed the Panama canal," Eragon commented.

"Thanks. Oh yeah, let's go rescue that elf lady, that ugly dude, and the iguana with frostbite!" So they went to the path of grass with Murtagh, Arya, and Saphira in it. "Hey, guys, let's go!" Eragon whispered. There was no response.

Suddenly, something exploded and blew Eragon and Narsuada away from the rest of the battle. I can't think of anything that would explode and don't want one of the sides to be too powerful, so let's just say it happened. (I know I have bad plot skills. I'm too lazy to do anything right now.)

"AHHH!! HELP!! HOLY GOD!! AHHH!!!" Eragon screamed as he and Narsuada hurled towards the earth at top speed. They hit, creating a huge crater, and Eragon passed out.

"_Eragon."_

_There was no denying it._

"_Eragon."_

_That voice!_

"_Eragon!"_

_Eragon got to his feet. "Huh—what the—" he stared at his surroundings. He was floating in front of an aurora of purple light. It shifted and turned, morphing into several forms. Finally it took the form of a woman. "I've been expecting you," she said. Her radiance filled Eragon with warmth._

"_Who are you?" Eragon asked._

"_I am Spode, the goddess who is hated and loved. I called you forth to give you power, the power of altering the very flow of time, the power to control what there is and what there will be."_

"_Why me?"_

"_I see great potential in your abilities. You make a worthy hero, along with Link, Harry Potter, and a bunch of other guys who are destined for greatness. Also, I think you're hot."_

"……………"

"_So, anyway, I will give you the power. Use it wisely, Eragon. Use it wisely…" She drifted off, the light fading._

"_No—wait! Goddess, explain to me how this power works! I need your guidance!"_

"_Good-bye, Eragon. I hope to see you again…"_

_Silence. The light completely disappeared, only a dim spark left. A few minutes passed, but it felt like an hour. Finally, Eragon concluded, "That was awkward…and sexually appealing, in a way."_

"Eragon, wake up!" It was Narsuada. She shook him.

"Ugh, what happened?"

"You passed out when we fell in a bouncy ball pit," she replied.

"How long have I been asleep?"

"Five days, twelve hours, thirty-six minutes, and forty-one seconds. No, forty-two. Forty-three!"

"Oh, god—wait! What happened to Murtagh and Arya and Saphira and Murtagh and Arya and Saphira and Arya and Murtagh and Brom and Angela and Obi-Wan Kenobi and George Washington and Paris Hilton and Audrey Hepburn and Ryan Higa and Jason Steele and Hilary Obama and Will Wright and Charlie brown and Cheiko Kawabe and Bisco Hatori and Fai D. Flourite and Michael Phelps and Brenda Song and Saphira and Murtagh and Arya and-and—" Narsuada interrupted. "Chill, dude, they're going to be okay."

He looked her in the eyes cold. "Are you sure?"

She sat in silence, looking for an answer, then said, "I-I don't know. I don't know, okay? But I just have a hunch. And I think they'll be alright. I hope so."

"You're a fangirl without a life, aren't you?" he asked.

"You could say that, yeah."

"Well, anyway, where are we?"

Narsuada looked around. "I don't know. Maybe somewhere in an urban area. We might be able to get help over there in that building." She pointed at a sickeningly pink facility in the distance.

When they got there, they wondered the halls, asking the people where they were. Most of them were mindless fangirls who didn't know anything, so no major progress took place. But when they had been there for fifteen minutes, something happened.

Narsuada noticed a slightly open door. "Hey, maybe there are people with actual brains in here." She went to open it.

"Narsuada, I don't think—" Eragon's sentence was cut short by a shower of rose petals. "Holy! Are these people prostitutes? Is that why they're mindless?"

"Welcome," said an annoying voice. "Welcome to the Ouran High School Host Club!" It was some blond guy dressed in a blue suit. Some other guys stood around him, including some five year-old and a black haired guy who looked vaguely familiar.

"They still have host clubs?" Narsuada said.

"I was right! This IS a school for mindless prostitutes!" Eragon exclaimed.

Narsuada ignored him. "Listen, dude, or dudette, or what ever the heck you are," she said to the blonde guy, "or maybe you're a gender change person thingie or something, well, anyways, we need to get to the Varden and stuffs, so yeah."

The blonde guy turned pale and sat in the corner.

A nerd came up to Narsuada. "Obviously you aren't from here," he said in an equally annoying (but deeper) voice as the first dude.

"Yeah, like, we just—OH MY GOD IT'S THAT GIRL GUY PERSON FROM THE ALTERNATE DIMENSION! ERAGON LET'S GET OUT OF HERE AHH!! QWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNM!!!"

"Wait, what?" Eragon said. Then he remembered:

xxXXxx

"_The evil backlicker will eat your toes," said one of them. She had short, black hair, and wore a blue, expensive-looking suit._

_"What?"_

_"Sorry. What I meant to say was, we run this place. I'm Haruhi Fujioka. I cross-dressed and joined a host club, but most of my co-workers fell in love with me and I quit," she replied._

xxXXxx

"Okay, let's get out of here," he said.

"Eragon! Narsuada!" came a voice. Everyone turned around to see who it was.

"Murtagh? Arya? Saphira?" Eragon asked.

_"Why is my name last?" _complained Saphira.

"Oh, sorry about that. It's just, what happened?"

Murtagh spoke. "After three minutes, the stereotype spell wore off and we magically got jet packs to rescue you."

"But can't Saphira fly?"

"Yeah, but plot loopholes come up sometimes. Well, let's go!"

"Yeah, let's go," Arya said. "Whoops—ahh!!" she tripped, knocking over a vase. It fell to the floor.

"Some Mary Sue you are," Eragon commented.

Two redheads who looked exactly alike looked down at the shards. "Uh, how much was that vase worth?" one of them asked.

"I think eight million yen," said the other.

"Eight million yen?!" Arya said.

The blonde guy recovered. "Well, in order to pay off that debt, you must work for us until you die!"

"And if you try to run away my family's hundred stalker policemen will track you down," said the nerd.

Murtagh looked at Arya. "Don't worry. Everyone, put on your jetpacks!" The travelers did so, (even Eragon and Narsuada, who I'm to lazy to say got them) and they flew away.

"Shouldn't we get revenge?" Narsuada asked.

"Good idea," said Eragon. He threw a grenade at the school. It exploded, like it was expected to, but it also vaporized the city and sank Japan. (No offense to Japanese people, I'm not being racist. I'm Asian too!)

"You are?" gasped Eragon.

"**Never mind. Just fly away and stuff."**

"Sure, whatever." They zoomed off in the direction of the setting sun.

Meanwhile, supreme Lord Qazuz Mika stared hard at his crystal ball. "I found them," he said. "I found them!"

"Your point?" said his assistant.

"I don't know. It makes me feel like I've accomplished something."

"Which you haven't," said the assistant under her breath.

"IT'S MAMA LUIGI TO YOU!!" Caramelldasen played in the background as Lord Qazuz started dancing.

No, he wasn't an evil guy stalking Eragon and his friends…he found the 39 clues! Yay!

Uh, yeah. I can't figure out any funny endings, so just pretend that I have a sense of humor. For once in your life, okay?

……………

YOU MUST DIE!!!!!!!!!!!

xxXXxx

_**VERY SERIOUS AFTERWARD!!!!!!**_

I chose the title of this chapter for a reason. It means "squid snail nipple pink yum good" in Mexican. So yeah.

No offense to anyone who likes Ouran, especially xLight, who, by the way, stitched a voodoo doll to her bag, instantly killing anyone she uses it on.

Oh, and this is a message from Age of Aquarius Studios:

_"Please do NOT kill people while drinking tea. It makes the new upholstery we just installed VERY dirty, so if we catch you doing so you IT'S OVER 9,000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_

--Age of Aquarius Studios CEO Chuck Borris


	14. Plot Development

The True Face of Eragon

Chapter 12

Age of Aquarius Studios

xxXXxx

The group descended at the edge of the Beor Mountains, with the Varden only a mile away. "Wow," said Eragon, catching his breath. "It's beautiful."

"Yep," said Nasuada. "I mean, I love this place."

**"Yeah, well, I have to talk to you guys."**

Murtagh looked up. "Huh? Where'd you come from? And what's with the quotation marks?"

**"Never mind the quotes. Okay, so we have a problem. I'm getting tired of calling you guys 'the group' or 'the travelers.' It gets pretty boring."**

"Good point," said Eragon.

**"Exactly. That's why I'm giving you an hour to make up a name for yourselves. If you take too long, I'll kill you. Okay, bye!"**

The travelers (oh no! Not again!) stared into space, their jaws dropped. "Does he mean it?" asked Arya.

"I don't know. Fanfiction writers can be unpredictable," Murtagh replied. (That's what makes us awesome, by the way, except for you people with bad grammar.)

"We better make a name," Eragon said.

"Okay, let's make suggestions." Nasuada stood up. "What about…The Ouran High School Host Club?"

"NO!!!! NO!!!!" screamed Eragon. He fell to the ground.

"Okay, how about the Cardcaptors?"

Murtagh said, "No, seriously, Nasuada, if you're going to say a bunch of garbage then keep it to yourself."

"He spouts such lies!" Nasuada exclaimed, hurt.

"WTF?!" Arya said. "That's stupid. Well, I have an idea. What do you think about the name, "The Kuroshitsuji Lovers Club?"

_"So, are you gonna stand here all day and spit out names of random anime?" _Saphira asked. Both Arya and Nasuada went red in the face.

Eragon got up. "What about…the E-Team?"

"You stole that from F-14 Ace," said Murtagh.

"Plagiarism, plagiarism, fill me with sweet illegal goodness!"

"You fail."

"I'm quite aware of that, thank you for reminding me."

"5+6=11," interrupted Arya.

"What does that have to do with this?" Eragon asked.

"Nothing."

"So…why?"

"Because the seal ate my slipper on the front porch. That's why."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"I know."

_"GUYS!" _Saphira let out a roar. _"Think of a name already!"_

"Alright," said Nasuada. "Maybe something that describes us. Like, 'The Unusuals' or 'The Invisibles' or 'The Fannilows' . Personally, I like the Fannilows."

Everyone stared. "You're a Barry Mannilow fan," Eragon uttered.

"Not really. I just think he has a cool shade of fingernails."

"RACIST! RACIST!"

_"Hey, I have an idea," _said Saphira. _"Why don't I just KILL YOU?!"_

"Cause that WOULD SUCK!" Murtagh said.

"It'd suck balls!" said Eragon.

"It'd suck your mom's face!" exclaimed Arya. She screamed.

"It'd suck your mom's face's balls!" shrieked Nasuada.

_"I think this is what sucks my mom's face's balls," _said Saphira to herself. _"Hey guys, maybe we can—" _but her words were cut short. Eragon held a chainsaw and split open a melon. The others chanted, "CUT! CUT! CUT!" Then they cheered as melon juice sprayed everywhere.

_"Good grief." _Saphira roared as loud as she could, and the startled travelers suddenly turned around. "What?" asked Murtagh.

_"Stop fooling around! I have an idea. What if we ask the author what we're going to name our group? He knows everything that will happen to us!"_

"Good point. Let me cut another melon first." Eragon slid his safety goggles back on and turned on the chainsaw. The chanting also resumed.

_"Oh, I'll just ask by myself. Hey, what is our name going to be?" _

**"I don't know yet. Ask me later."**

_"Darn. Well, can you at least make them pay attention?"_

**"Okay. HEY! STOP ACTING RETARDED OR I'LL THROW YOU OFF A CLIFF!" **Immediately the others stopped fooling around and stared. **"Good. Now listen to Saphira and stuff so I can continue the plot."**

"But the plot hasn't continued for about three chapters or so," Eragon protested.

_"JUST MAKE A NAME!!" _roared Saphira.

"Fine. The name for us is...um…the…um…hmm. Okay, let's call ourselves the uh…der…"

**"Never mind, think of it later."**

"Okay! So let's go to the Varden!" Eragon leapt to his feet and ran. He then tripped and fell flat on his face. The rest of the group stepped on him as they ran.

"Finally! We're here!" Murtagh ran up to the entrance of the Varden. "Hey," he said to a guard, "We're new, so can you show us around?"

"No."

"Why?"

"It's cloaked…in _SECRECY! _NAY NAY NAY NAY NAY!! WHEET-WHOO!!"

"Okay. Listen, buddy—"

"NO LISTENING!! THE ARMY IS ATTACKING!! DEFEND US!! Here, take this deadly weapons and beat the crud out of those Urgals. OH MY GOD!! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!!"

"I want to fight," said Eragon.

"We'll all fight," said Arya. Nasuada nodded.

_"No, seriously," _said Saphira, _"Now?!"_

"Yes, stupid," said Eragon. He screamed as he was severely burned.

"Uh, you almost killed Eragon," Arya said.

_"It's okay, the author can resurrect him. Or at least clone him."_

"Well, let's go!" Arya calmly walked onto the battlefield and hit someone on the head. Nasuada went up to her. "Are you sure we shouldn't check in first? I mean I live here." She blocked an attacker, who Arya stabbed. "It's okay."

"STOP!!!" A voice boomed and people on the battlefield froze. A figure stepped out of the shadows. "Stop fighting! Practice is over!" Everyone dropped their weapons. Nasuada ran up to the man.

"Dad!" she said. The man hugged her. Arya, Murtagh, and Saphira went up to them. "Oh, these are my friends. Also there's one that we killed a few seconds ago, but he'll be okay."

"Oh, hello. Why don't I show you to your rooms?" asked Nasuada's dad. He smiled, then stepped over the unconscious body of Eragon.

"Wait, maybe we should pick up Eragon first," Murtagh whispered to Arya.

"Don't worry, we got it," said Nasuada. Some guards bent over and put him into a plastic bin on a luggage conveyor belt.

"Ugh…" Eragon woke up. "What's going on…HOL Y!!" He looked down, and gasped at the large system of conveyor belts transporting items throughout the Varden. "I better not fall…OH MY GOD!! AHH!!! Wait, nothing happened. Oh." Suddenly the platform fell down, taking Eragon down with it. "Hey, this is like Toy Story," he said.

THUD!! The box roughly fell and landed. Eragon got out and stared at the darkness. "Hello?" he asked. He heard a growling sound. He spun around to find—a purple cat with a bazooka? "Oh, good," Eragon said with relief. "I need to get—" his words were cut short as he was shot fifty feet into the air.

"Woah," said one of the guards. "Never seen that before!"

Fortunately Eragon landed in the group's room as everyone came in. "Eragon?" asked Murtagh.

"No," said Eragon. "Just kidding, just kidding. Hi."

"Stuff is yum, innit?" asked Arya.

"What?" Eragon and Murtagh stared.

"Sorry. I was just staring at that ominous cloud of darkness in the middle of the room."

"What cloud—OH MY GOD!!" said Nasuada. The dark cloud grew a mouth and spoke. "YOU SUCK," it said.

"What, I suck?" asked Eragon.

"YES, YOU SUCK," it replied.

"Well, that sucks," said Eragon.

"This is too random. Something is wrong," commented Murtagh.

"**You're right. I'll just continue the plot." **The cloud disappeared, and everyone sighed in relief. "This sucks," said Eragon.

"Let's get something to eat," said Nasuada. "I know one of the best diners here. Come on!" It wasn't long before the group (ugh!) sat at a counter of a noisy restaurant. The woman at the counter seemed familiar to Eragon. "Hey, what do you want?" she asked Murtagh.

"Um…I'll have a steak with mashed potatoes and some Coke," he replied. She wrote it down.

"Oh, also, wanna hear a joke?" she said.

Murtagh shrugged. "Sure," he muttered.

"Give me a dollar. In all quarters, so I can use it on the crane game."

"Uh, yeah. Okay, fine. I don't have anything to do with this money, so sure."

"Okay!" The woman put the quarters in the microwave and pressed the buttons to spell out 1:00. Then she turned it on.

"What are you doing?"

"Oh, I can't afford a cash register, so I just pretend that this microwave is one," the woman replied. The coins in the appliance started to spark, and eventually the whole thing caught on fire. "Do you smell something?" the woman asked.

"Wait a second, is that you, Angela?" Eragon asked. The woman shook her head. "No, I'm her sister. She got eaten by a bunch of leeches when she went boating in Hawaii. I'm Boba Fett."

Eragon stared.

"No, just kidding. I'm Angela. Oh, yeah. I have to tell that guy a joke. Knock knock," she said.

"Who's there?"

"Boo,"

"Boo who?"

"Don't cry, I won't eat you!" Then Angela started to laugh hysterically. Eragon and Murtagh looked at each other.

After lunch, Nasuada led them to the volleyball court. "Volleyball is really fun," she said. "Come on, let's play!" Eragon went first, against some random guy. He was about to serve when he heard Arya say, "Do it for Nancy!"

"Nancy?!" asked Murtagh.

"Nancy?!" exclaimed Nasuada.

"_WTF?!" _said Saphira.

"Uh…who's Nancy?" Eragon stared at Arya.

Arya spoke. "In 1998, Nancy Smith was murdered by a serial killer. No one mourned for her. If you don't post this on 7 vids by tomorrow, then she'll show up above your bed at night. Sorry I didn't start it."

"You…got that from Youtube."

"No, this one I made up!"

"But you just said you didn't start it."

"Well, then the people think that even thought I did. It's kind of weird."

Suddenly someone screamed, "The army! The army! They are attacking! Run!"

"Wasn't there a fake army last time?" Eragon asked.

"Yeah, but that was just a bunch of holograms. These soldiers are real. You can tell from their outfits," Nasuada replied. Sure enough, the army that was attacking wore spandex.

"……………" Eragon said.

"SDSDSDSDSDS" chanted Arya.

"End the chapter now! It has to be dramatic!" Murtagh cried.

"**You're right. Hold on." **An enormous boulder broke off the side of the mountain and dropped.

Right towards the travelers.

"This isn't good," Nasuada said. Eragon nodded.

xxXXxx

So yeah…this is probably the latest update of my life. And this chapter wasn't exactly the best, either.

I need suggestions for a group name for Eragon and his friends. So if you have a good idea, it might be in this!

After typing a lot, I haven't realized that the fanfiction is coming to an end. So I'm gonna make a sequel, The Second Side of Eldest! Or something like that… :P

This is probably the second last chapter. If it is, then thanks for reading.

--salemmichi


	15. The Conclusion

The True Face of Eragon, Chapter 13

Age of Aquarius Studios

Notes: Whew! I made it pretty far (or at least in my opinion). The Second Side of Eldest is coming up soon, but I might put an epilogue after this chapter. At least TTSOE won't have a prologue to mess things up in terms of chapters, though. I'm really looking forward to writing it.

Please enjoy the possibly last chapter of The True Face of Eragon.

* * *

_Boom._

_Boom._

The boulder raced towards Eragon at lightning speed. The others evaded. But he was rooted to the spot, like his blood had frozen solid.

_Boom._

All he could do was wait.

_CRASH! _With a mighty jerk of her tail, Saphira destroyed the boulder. _"Are you okay?" _she asked.

Eragon, with his heart racing, nodded. "Yes, I'm fine."

_"Good. Watch out!"_

"Wha-HOLY GOD IT'S A MACHINE GUN!!!!!1!11!!111!!!!ONE!!!1ONE+SHIFT!!!!!!!"

"Hey, Eragon, what's going on?" Murtagh asked.

"MAH WOUD!!" Eragon screamed.

"Huh?"

"MAH WOUD!! DIS IZ MAH WOUD!! THAY TOUK MAH WOUD!!"

"Notice that the quality of this fanfiction has greatly improved before gradually falling again," muttered Arya.

**"Uh, yeah, speaking of that, I ned everyone's attention. Wait, WTF?! NED?!"**

"What happened?" Nasuada said.

**"Uh, yeah, about that. I forgot to put Orik in the story, so everyone say hi to Orik and stuff."**

"Hi Orik," everyone said with monotone.

"You know, you can't do stuff like this when you become a real writer," Nasuada said.

**"Yes, that is a sad reality. Okay, continue killing each other."**

"Die!!!!" Eragon screamed as he beheaded a soldier. "Woah, that was cool."

"You idiot!" Nasuada punched someone in a fit of rage. "That was one of our own men!"

"Uh…well…he was in great pain, and I couldn't stand to see him suffer."

_"Actually, the guy was just standing there,"_ Saphira commented.

"Can you just let it go?" Eragon asked. "I'm kinda dying here too."

Nasuada sighed. "Fine. But I'm gonna steal your five bucks."

"Hey!"

"Violence is not the answer," Arya said behind Eragon.

"No, seriously. You're killing people too."

"Well, Mary Sues get to do whatever they want," Arya stated, matter-of-factly.

"Name three Mary Sues." Eragon ducked to avoid and sword, then stabbed.

Arya kicked a man in the stomach. "Fine. Pretty much every girl grades K to three."

"That's cheating!"

**"It's true."**

"See, even the author supports me." Arya smiled.

"You suck," Eragon said. Arya slapped him.

"Uh, why'd you do that?" Murtagh asked.

"Because Mary Sues can do whatever they want."

"You said that already."

"That's because Mary Sues can do whatever they want."

"GUYS!!" Nasuada hollered. "SHUT UP AND FIGHT!!!"

"She's right," Arya said. She then slapped Murtagh.

"What was that for?" Murtagh got up and stared at Arya.

"Mary Sues-"

"Don't say that again! You know, I'll just ask if I can go to the dark side after this war is done. They have fresh cookies. Hey author guy? Can I work for Galbatorix?"

**"Author guy? WTF?"**

"Just answer the question!"

**"Okay. I don't care. But if I were you, I'd work for Ganondorf. He's awesome."**

"Thanks, bye!" Murtagh ran off.

Meanwhile, Eragon crawled on the ground. He was still a little dazed from Arya's gigantic slap. With his fuzzy vision, he could make out a shape before him, not fighting, but just standing. He came closer to see.

A calm voice seemed to come from the form, and as Eragon's hearing improved, he could hear words. _"Dude, put down the nukes. War sucks. Go home."_

"Who's there?" Eragon whispered. Then he saw.

Some guy, dressed in hippie clothes, was talking to some of the soldiers. Eragon figured that he was some sort of pacifist. "H-hey," Eragon called, "I-I think you s-should get out of here—"

_"Hello?"_

"Y-yeah. I'm here. Just like, get off the field."

_"You have to stop this."_

"I know."

_"No. _You _have to stop this."_

Eragon said, "Who are you?"

_"I'm Durza. You must stop this, using your power, or the world will perish."_

"That would suck."

_"Dude, you like, ruined the whole epic thing!" _Durza whined.

"Oh. Sorry. Well, anyways, I'm Eragon," Eragon got to his feet.

_"Yeah, I'm Durza, like I just said. I'm from Miami."_

Eragon laughed. "Miami? Nice."

_"Yeah. One of my hobbies is bird watching. Have you ever seen the Japanese bird of South Africa?" _(Note: I stole this from my friend Siadow9466.)

"Uh, no. But it might be cool."

_"Hmm. Well, it has a big crest that's purple but it just looks like a hawk, except for the feet, because…" _But while Durza talked, Eragon saw something. Some guy with a mace had it poised to strike Durza's back. He lifted it up.

"Watch out!" Eragon yelled, and pushed Durza out of the mace's path.

_"HUH?!" _Durza exclaimed.

"Ugh!" Eragon groaned as the weapon struck his own back. He looked at his wound, then fainted.

He fell to the ground with a thud.

xxXXxx

_The light, shining, and there was the goddess, staring at Eragon, staring into his soul. "You've done well," she said, "and yet you have much to learn."_

_"What is going on?" Eragon asked._

_The goddess wrote down a phone number. "Here," and she handed it to him._

_"Who—"_

_"Call. There is someone waiting for you, Eragon." The light faded, but the voice echoed._

_"Someone waiting for you, Eragon."_

_"Eragon."_

_"Eragon."_

"ERAGON!" Arya's voice came out loud. "Wake up!"

"Uh…" Eragon sat up in his bed. "How long have I—"

_"THREE DAYS, Eragon! THREE WHOLE DAYS!" _Saphira roared.

"Oh. Where's Murtagh?"

Arya spoke. "He went to the dark side. He's gone now."

"But isn't he supposed to be here, telling me that I have a scar like his? That happened in the book."

_"Eragon, since when have we done anything according to the book?"_

"Okay, never mind. Anyway, who were those people who attacked us?" Eragon said.

"The Dea Clan." Nasuada came into view. "We have been rivals for centuries."

"I thought those were Galbatorix's soldiers."

"No, Galbatorix is taking a vacation. But he'll be attacking us soon."

"Uh, yeah. Why does the other clan wear spandex?"

Nasuada put her hands on her hips. "Hmm. I don't really know. Whatever. We won, so let's celebrate!" Everyone but Saphira and Eragon left he room.

_"So, you saved that guy. What was his name? Durza?"_

"Yeah, I guess."

_"He's a Shade," _Saphira said.

"What?"

_"A Shade. A Shade is a sorcerer that forms a bond with peaceful spirits. Shades often travel trying to promote harmony."_

"In the book—"

_"SHUT UP!!! I mean, let's go to the party." _Saphira walked away. Eragon started to go, but instead stared at his scar. It was deep and red. He grimaced. _"Eragon, let's go!" _Eragon got up and followed.

Everywhere they went people looked at them. "It's Eragon Shadesaver," one guy said. Eragon smiled. Shadesaver sounded cool.

Nasuada and Arya caught up with Eragon and Saphira. "Hey," Eragon said.

Arya grinned. "So, you're Mr. _Shadesaver _now."

"You could say that. Oh, we haven't thought of a group name yet!"

"Okay, how about…hmm…the Randomes?" Nasuada tried.

_"That's a good idea," _Saphira said.

"Alright," Eragon put his hand in the air, "the Randomes it is!"

**"I have a feeling this isn't gonna go well with the fans, but who cares? I'm the boss. BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! Sorry."**

"Uh, yeah. Oh, where's your dad?" Eragon asked Nasuada.

"Oh, he lost a few fingers. He'll be okay, but he's leaving me in charge."

"Mr. Shadesaver!" Reporters flooded the room. "Mr. Shadesaver, how would you like us to make a movie about your experiences?"

Eragon shrugged. "Sure."

"Alright, we'll get the production going ASAP! Expect to see the movie in a few weeks." The reporters left.

"Wow, that's pretty fast for a movie," Arya commented.

"Come on, let's party! It's not gonna last forever!" Eragon laughed. He walked backwards, and tripped.

Saphira put her head under her wing. _"Epic fail."_

xxXXxx

A few days later, the Varden was still celebrating. The party had lost its intensity, but it went on. Eragon sighed and looked at the phone number he had gotten. He didn't really intend to call, but it made him curious. He heard a knock at the door of his room. _"It's me, Durza." _Eragon opened the door. _"Uh, thanks for saving me back there."_

"No problem."

_"Uh, yeah. I want you to have this. I'm going back to Miami." _Durza gave him a cell phone.

Eragon grinned. "Thanks." Durza smiled, and left. Eragon stared at the phone number on the table. He dialed.

_"Duuuude! You just won an iPod that Ho Chi Minh used!" _Eragon put the phone down. He redialed. _"Sorry, we don't have anymore iPods," _the same voice answered.

"WTF?!" Eragon hung up. "Oh wait, that's a _seven_?! Okay." He pressed the correct numbers and waited.

_"Hello? Is this Bob?"_

"No, this is Eragon Shadesaver," Eragon said.

_"Oh. You sound a lot like Bob. Anyway, yeah. I've heard of you. Come to elf Land and I'll teach you cool stuff."_

"Um, okay, bye."

"Eragon!" Arya called him. "I heard all of what Oromis said."

"Oromis? And how did you hear us?"

"It's one of Mokona's 108 Secret Techniques: Super Duper Hearing!"

"OH MY GOD DON'T DO THAT YOU JUST SOUNDED LIKE THAT GUY FRED!!"

"Hey, you'd be able to do that too if you read lots of Clamp' works."

Eragon shrugged. "So, now what?"

Arya looked at him. "Now what? We go to Du Weldenvarden."

"Actually, I'm thinking of going to Teirm to see the Eragon movie."

"Eragon, you are hopeless. Well, okay, we'll go see the movie. But then we'll go!"

"Alright!" Eragon jumped in the air. "So, who do you think will play me?"

"I don't know. But we'll see." For a moment they just stood there until Eragon said, "You know what?"

"What?"

"This story needs a happy ending."

"But it's ending and we're happy."

A minute passed. Arya said, "I'll pwn you at Brawl."

"Bring it on."

They both ran to the Wii Room.

* * *

Yeah, kinda cheesy ending here. I don't think I should put an epilogue. Well, here are some credits. (Lol I scammed you.)

Thanks to my coworkers, Kawaiisakibun and xLight!

Thanks to my friends, Siadow9466 and some other people I will not reveal the names of!

Thanks to the people who favorited: Arkillon Shadslayer, deepblue1028, fictionbot, inkflamer, James018, jrfess, Nanes, Principess Dell'Opera, Samablue38, Siadow9466, Taya Cara, ThaleMie, Tubz1995, Wolfgirl730959, and xBlaze_of_FuryX!

Thanks to the people who alerted: deepblue1028, Eragonfyre72, fictionbot, inkflamer, jrfess, Samablue38, Siadow 9466, Teros, Tubz1995, and Wolfgiri730959!

And finally, thanks to anyone reading this if I haven't mentioned you!


End file.
